Hvordan bør jeg gå frem?

[Gjest G16]

Hei.

 

Jeg er en gutt på 16 år, som trenger litt hjelp.

 

Jeg gikk i klassen med en utrolig grei jente (jeg skal begynne i vidergående, men har god kontakt med henne).

 

Hun er den typen som jeg sender SMS med viss jeg har lyst til å f.eks spille et brett/kort spill, se en film osv. og hun er alltid med på det viss hun ikke skal på trening, har besøk osv. Vi har også bare vert hos hverandre, og snakket om alt mellom himmel og jord...

 

Vi jobbet begge samme plass det siste året, og vi hadde nesten daglig følge hjem, og vi ble stående og snakke i opp til flere timer, før vi skilte lag.

 

Vi skal begge begynne på samme vidergående skole (forskjellige linjer), så ingen av oss kommer til å flytte bort med det første.

 

Hun har hatt to typer før (den første beskriver hun som et avstandsforhold, og den andre var "den første hun var skikkelig forelska i") Hun slo opp med den andre typen for ca 9 mnd siden, og ha vert singel siden.

 

Det kan kansje virke som om hun er en pen, billig jente som tar alt, siden hun har hatt flere typer over tid, men det var (i hvertfall den siste gangen) gutten som slo opp...

 

Jeg vil si at hun ikke akuratt er en "modell" i utsenedet, men jeg elsker henne for personligheten, og som hele personen. Det var ikke en person som jeg fikk "kjærlighet ved første blikk", men en forelskelse som bygde seg opp jo mer jeg ble kjent med henne.

 

Jeg har vert forelska i henne lenge (lenge som i flere år), og har sterke følelser for henne. Jeg ønsker og prøve å finne ut om hun føler det samme for meg, som jeg føler for henne, og i så fall prøve å trappe forholdet opp fra vennskap til et "fast forhold".

 

Hvordan mener dere at jeg bør gå frem? Jeg har ikke lyst til å ødelegge det vennskapet vi har, viss ikke kjærligheten er gjensidig...

[SimDaDim]

Vell, det klassiske dilemaet. Tør du satse vennskapet for kjærligheten?

 

For, desverre så sier all statistikk at en av delene ryker, om ikke begge gjør det hvis du velger å satse. Det er også slik at vennskap er som kjærlighet, det må være gjennsidig for at det skal funke. Den ene kan ikke være forelsket, mens den andre er interisert i et venneforhold. Det sliter på begge. Så det jeg skal frem til er at du burte være klar over hva du risikerer å tape, i forrhold til hvordan du har det nå og hva som kan skje. Du har det kanskje vanskelig nå, men det kan bli enda vanskeligere om du mister henne helt som veninne. eller, du kan kanskje være heldig, og følelsene er gjennsidige osv. Vurder dette litt.

 

Men hvis du snakker så mye med henne så burte du jo ha en anelse om hvor hun står. Dessuten så har dere vel snakket om slike ting? Jeg fortalte faktisk ei veninne om følelser i kveld på en litt utspekulert måte, og jeg var heldig, det var gjennsidig. Jeg var drit redd for å spørre, risikerte at hun ble "redd" for å såre meg, eller at jeg skulle få mer følelser for henne, så hun ville vike bort. Derfor tok jeg en "jeg har blitt veldig glad i deg i det siste, og for å være helt ærlig så vet jeg ikke helt hvordan dette kan ende. Har ikke kontroll på følelsene mine, så jeg kan ikke sitte her nå og si deg 100% at jeg ikke ender opp med følelser for deg". Det jeg egentelig sier er jo ingen verdens ting, ingen kan garantere for noe slikt. Uansett, jeg var veldig heldig, fordi hun tok agnet, og svarte sådan tilbake:)

 

Men uansett så tror jeg det er litt dumt av deg å spørre om hjelp på hvordan du skal håntere dette på et forum. Det er kun DU som kjenner henne her inne, og det er DU som vet hvordan du best kommer inn på henne. Ingen av oss her inne kan jo si om det du gjør er rett eller galt. Det er det faktisk du som vet best av oss. Så, hvis dere er så gode venner som du forklarer, så burte du ha en peiling selv på hvordan du burte løse dette.

 

Uansett, håper du forteller vidre her hvis du bestemmer deg for noe. Mine siste ord er da - "tenk selv, vurder konsekvenser"

 

Lykke til!

Endret 6. august 2007 av SimDaDim

[Gjest G16]

ok, det er kansje jeg som vet best. Jeg er bare så voldsomt usikker, fordi jeg har 0 erfaring med slikt.

 

Jeg hr are lyst til å spør dere her på forumet om noe.

 

hun har sagt at hun ikke ønsker å ha e type nå, når vi har sittet med en gruppe venner, så jeg lurer litt på om hun da sier at hun ikke er intereser i noen gutter. Eller kan det være at hun sjuler at hun ser noe i noen (forhåpentligvis meg...) siden hun sier dette når vi er flere, og komer inn på temaet. Hun har aldri sagt det når det er bare meg og henne som snakker.

 

Vil det kansje "slå an" for å bruke det uttrykket, og prøve å flørte litt, for å ve til henne at jeg er interessert (jeg sier bare med en gang at dette ikke er noeeg kommer til å gjøre med en gang jeg treffer henne, men heller vente til jeg får en god anledning), eller er det lurere å fortelle henne de, enten face to face, eller p tlf, eller på SMS.

 

Hvordan ville dere reagert viss kameraten/venninda di hadde send deg en SMS ogfortalte deg at han/hun var interesert i deg?

 

G16

[Neppe]

Hvordan ville dere reagert viss kameraten/venninda di hadde send deg en SMS ogfortalte deg at han/hun var interesert i deg?

9217572[/snapback]

Har skjedd meg engang. Det var ei som var sammen med en av mine beste venner. Som fikk litt interesse for meg. Det endte med at hun slo opp med han, og at jeg tok avstand fra henne i størst mulig grad.

 

Jeg var også litt venn med henne, men jeg ville ikke ofre kompisen min for henne. Det blir kanskje ikke HELT det samme som det du tenker. Men jeg var sjokkert, hadde ikke forventa at det skulle være sånn.

[Inverno]

jeg syntest det virker som om du er litt i denne situasjonen så jeg legger veg dette "brevet" fra David DeAngelo:

 

 

A Mistake That "Turns Women Off" INSTANTLY

 

 

>Want to watch some great free video clips and

learn about all of the different programs I've

created to help you learn how to meet and attract

women? Go here and take a look:

 

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/1...ZZZV&lid=1&ll=1

 

I'd like to tell you a story...

 

It's a story that you might find strangely

familiar. Don't be alarmed.

 

Once upon a time, there was a man who was very

attracted to a particular woman.

 

At first, she was just another attractive

woman... but the more he got to know her, the more

he began to feel attracted to her... and the more

time he spent with her, the more that attraction

grew into a deep emotional attachment and

affection for her.

 

But, there was one problem.

 

As his emotional attachment grew stronger and

stronger, he also grew more and more insecure.

 

Why?

 

Because he couldn't tell whether or not she

felt the same way towards him.

 

Sometimes, she would say things like, "You are

so important to me" and "I'm glad that you're in

my life"... but nothing ever progressed past the

"friendship" stage.

 

There was an occasional hug, an occasional kiss

on the cheek from her... and once, she even held

his hand for a long time while he talked about an

emotional issue.

 

But, something was wrong with the picture.

 

She just wasn't acting like a woman that was

"falling in love". She was acting like a friend.

 

The insecurity that he felt became a spiral

that amplified itself... and the more insecure he

became, the more afraid he grew of "screwing

things up" by kissing her or asking her to be his

girlfriend.

 

Plus, the more insecure he became, the less

time she seemed to want to spend with him.

 

After spending many days and nights obsessing

over this girl, the man finally arrived at the

conclusion that, if she only knew how HE FELT, she

would feel the same way.

 

So, he made a bold move.

 

He TOLD HER how he felt.

 

He confessed that he was in love and that he

would do anything to be with her.

 

She looked at him with compassion in her eyes

and said, "Thank you... I really mean that... but

I don't want to mess up our friendship... you're

too important to me...."

 

This only confused the man more.

 

He didn't know how to take it...

 

Did it mean that she really loved him too, but

that she was afraid of something?

 

Did it mean that she wasn't ready for a long

term relationship?

 

Did it mean that she didn't love him, but that

she was trying to give him a hint?

 

Did it mean that he hadn't tried hard enough?

 

Did it mean that he needed to put everything on

the line and REALLY let her know how he felt?

 

He finally decided that he couldn't go on like

this anymore... he had to be with her.

 

He had to make sure that she knew just how much

he wanted to be with her... so, he took a big step

- He bought her a symbolic gift and wrote her a

long, long letter... again confessing his

feelings.

 

And then, the unthinkable happened.

 

She didn't reply.

 

He called her three times a day for almost a

week before reaching her.

 

She made an excuse about being very busy and

said, "I'll try to give you a call soon, I have to

go"... and hung up...

 

but... he never got a call back.

 

Over the following months the man tried

desperately to understand what went wrong... and

what happened.

 

THE END

 

OK, I'm back.

 

Now, wasn't that a sweet story?

 

Heartwarming, huh?

 

I know, I should keep my day job, and not take

up writing romance novels...

 

Now, let's talk about that story.

 

That story is basically a MYTH.

 

And I'm not talking about FICTION here.

 

I'm talking about a story that rings true for a

great majority of men. A story that is timeless. A

story that resonates at a deep level because you

can IDENTIFY with it.

 

And why does this particular story resonate for

most men?

 

Because we've all been there in one way or

another... at one time or another... and many of

us have been there OFTEN in our lives.

 

Another thing that gives this particular story

a lot of power is the powerful negative emotions

that it stirs... as a result of the powerful

negative experiences that it reminds us of...

 

Stories and situations like this one really

FASCINATE me.

 

They fascinate me because I see them as an

opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles

that they represent.

 

In this particular situation I think there is a

solution.

 

And it lies in understanding a secret that

women know, but MEN DON'T.

 

And that secret comes down to the reality that

if a woman isn't ATTRACTED to a man, all of his

attempts to confess his love, convince her to like

him, and court her BACKFIRE.

 

In other words, they not only DON'T WORK, they

actually make things WORSE.

 

The very things that a man does to try to make

a woman LIKE HIM, make her NOT like him.

 

They make her run.

 

All those great intentions and emotional

dedication actually cause the man feeling them to

do things that make her go away.

 

It sucks.

 

And I hope that by explaining the process of

how this happens, I'll help you to avoid this

painful situation in the future...

 

By the way, if you read that story and said to

yourself, "That's happened to ME!", then you might

want to go and check THIS out. It will help BIG

TIME:

 

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/1...ZZZV&lid=2&ll=1

 

THE "INSTANT EWWW"

 

I'm always fascinated by the idea that we

humans don't always understand the message that

we're communicating to others...

 

So often we think that just because we WANT to

communicate a message, that others are going to

NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.

 

Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that

has wheels on it that cost more than the car

itself... with his stereo blasting... and a

muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of

the 4-cylinder motor...?

 

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don't

think that car is communicating the message to

women that he thinks it is"...?

 

Yeah, I have too.

 

Well here's the deal:

 

If you do something to "let a woman know how

you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then

it IS going to backfire.

 

It's going to trigger a feeling that I like to

call the "Instant Ewww".

 

The "Instant Ewww" is just as powerful as the

physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.

 

Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.

 

It's over.

 

It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the

coffin.

 

Once a woman feels the "Instant Ewww", she will

start behaving differently.

 

In short, she'll disappear.

 

So where did I get the concept of the "Instant

Ewww"?

 

I got it from WOMEN.

 

I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the

word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a

guy that was "confessing his love"... Of course,

these were guys that weren't loved in return.

 

So, what causes the "Instant Ewww"?

 

And why would a woman feel it towards a man who

was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving her

a gift or telling her how he feels?

 

Because if you think about it from HER

perspective, you'll realize that the moment a you

do something to "confess", you have created a

TURNING POINT in the relationship.

 

Up until that point, you were harmless.

 

I mean, women always know how men feel.

 

She already knew you wanted her.

 

She knew it from the beginning.

 

But now that you've started pursuing her and

talking about how you feel, you've created a

NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.

 

You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive

to women. And it does repel them.

 

In summary...

 

You can't "make a woman like you" or "change

how she feels about you" by doing nice things for

her...

 

Doing "nice" things for a woman who isn't

attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse,

it creates the "Instant Ewww" feeling that makes

it so she'll NEVER like you.

 

Men make this mistake over and over again in

life because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to

them. They're doing it because they don't have an

understanding of ATTRACTION.

 

I mean, if you have a friend, and you like

them, and you want to make them like you more...

and you do some nice things for them, they will

probably like you more.

 

On the other hand...

 

If you have a woman that you "like" in a

romantic way and she doesn't "feel it" for you,

and you do something nice for her because you want

HER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and she

will not only NOT like you more, she will most

likely distance herself from you.

 

Guys think that they need to communicate when

they like a woman... as if that's part of the

necessary process of getting a girl.

 

In their minds, it goes like this:

 

Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She likes

you

 

Well remember... if you follow this pattern

yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you,

then it's going to BACKFIRE.

 

If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:

 

She thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her

you like her -> She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and

never wants to be around you again...

 

THE ANSWER

 

There are really TWO answers to this problem.

 

The first answer is what to do if you're in a

situation where you like a particular girl, but

you don't know if she likes you back.

 

DON'T GET HEAVY WITH HER.

 

Don't buy her a big gift and write a love

letter...

 

Don't send her ten dozen roses to her work with

a note that says, "From your secret admirer".

 

Don't call her three times a day.

 

And DON'T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for her.

 

If you want to know how she feels about you,

KISS HER (and use "The Kiss Test" that you learned

on my website and in my book).

 

As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than HER.

Use SIGNALS from her to find out how she feels...

and if you don't know how to read and create those

signals, then LEARN.

 

Asking a woman if she's interested in you in a

romantic way or if you are "her type", will

actually DESTROY the chances that she'll like you.

 

Really.

 

The SECOND answer is: Don't get into this

particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it

entirely.

 

And how does one do that?

 

One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the

beginning.

 

One does that by understanding the dynamics of

how and why women have the physical and emotional

response of ATTRACTION triggered.

 

One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM

THE BEGINNING.

 

And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?

 

I thought you'd never ask...

 

The very best way to learn how to make women

feel ATTRACTION for you is to get yourself a copy

of my Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD Program.

 

I've spent several years now studying the ways

that men who are "naturals" communicate using

their words, voice tone, and body language that

makes them MAGNETIC to women.

 

And I'll tell you... it's not magic.

 

You don't have to be rich, handsome, or young.

 

And you don't have to be LUCKY.

 

What you DO have to do is LEARN.

 

It's a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY

man can learn it if he wants to.

 

But you're not likely to figure it out by

"trial and error". Many of the keys to making

women feel ATTRACTION aren't "obvious" at all.

 

In fact, many of them make no sense... and

they're the LAST thing you'd do in a particular

situation if you didn't know the SECRETS.

 

I'm telling you, this program will show you the

way. I guarantee that this program will INSTANTLY

change how you behave around women.

 

And, it will start getting you results

IMMDIATELY.

 

Go check out the details and some great free

samples here:

 

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/1...ZZZV&lid=3&ll=1

 

If you'd like an introduction to my basic

concepts, you should go and download a copy of my

online eBook "Double Your Dating". You can

download it right now and be reading it within a

few minutes. It's here:

 

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/1...ZZZV&lid=4&ll=1

 

And I'll talk to you again soon.

 

Your Friend,

 

David D.

 

P.S. Don't forget to take a look through the

different programs I've put together... each one

is designed to help you with a different area of

success with women. You can see them all, read the

details, and see video clips here:

 

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/1...ZZZV&lid=5&ll=1

 

P.P.S. If you'd like to send me a Success Story,

Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines:

 

1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs

max.

 

2) Tell me what's working for you before you ask

your question. I appreciate all of the "Your stuff

is great" and "I don't need to tell you how well

your stuff works" comments, but the fact is that I

DO need to hear all of the specifics... because

this helps other guys to see what's working in

different situations.

 

3) If you have a Success Story, write "Success

Story" in the subject line of the email. I read

these first.

 

4) At the end of the email, give me your initials

and tell me where you're from.

 

5) Send it to me at:

 

[email protected]

 

...don't just hit "reply" to this email.

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

håper det hjelper

[snowhill]

Mitt råd er å snakke med henne om hvordan du føler det, det taper du ikke noe på uansett. Og ja, jeg har vært i samme situasjon selv, og jeg gjorde ingen ting før et par år - og da fikk jeg jo vite at vi begge hadde samme følelser for hverandre.

 

Det skader ikke å prøve

[Gjest Guest]

Du kan flørte litt tydelig med henne uten å betro din kjærlighet. Du vil da kunne se om hun responderer flørtete tilbake. Dersom hun er helt uinteressert, så kan du ta det litt rolig for å bevare vennskapet.

 

G16: Jeg er egentlig imot feilskrivingskommentarer, men jeg vil likevel tipse deg om at du skriver ordet "kanskje" konsekvent feil.

[nree]

Vennskap eller kjærlighet ville jeg ikke trodd på om jeg var det, har selv opplevd å gå fra venn til god venn til kjæreste til god venn igjen.

[xdxdxd_hola_amigo]

Jeg har hørt at jenter ikke blir forelska i deg, enten så liker dem deg eller ikke. Og det betyr ikke at hun ikke liker deg fordi dere har vært gode venner mens hun har hatt type. Kanskje hun føler akkurat det samme for deg og de typene har hun bare på en måte lært seg å like i forhold til deg for hun ikke tørr å satse på vennskapet deres.

 

Du kan jo også se på kroppsspråket hennes, er hun på en måte "en av gutta" kan du nok regne med at hun vil forbli sånn. Er dere sånn at dere kanskje sitter og koser litt mens dere ser på film, så vil jeg si at det er håp.

 

Men du kan jo forhøre deg litt blant venninnene hennes litt sånn diskré. Det kan jo hende at de forteller det til henne og hun begynner å se tegnene. Hvis du i tillegg flørter litt tydelig med henne burde hun nok skjønne det. Tror ikke du risikerer mye da i det hele tatt, men har ikke noen erfaring med akkurat dette.

[g@bb@]

Det er en veldig kjip situasjon du er i. Som de andre sier, så må du tenke over om det er verdt å satse vennskapet på.

men det som også er en faktor her, er om du alltid da komemr til å angre på at du ikke spurte og om det kanskje kunne blitt noe mer.

 

Jeg er enig med de som sier at du kanskje kan småflørte litt med henne. Og kanskje spørre venninene hennes. Du kan jo, hvis du er den utspekulerte typen, begynne å snakke om ting som du vet hu liker slik at hun får en følelse av at du er en person som virkelig bryr seg om henne og vil snakke om de tingene som hun liker. Da vil kanskje hun ta det første skritttet.

Men dersom hun er en sinnsykt god venn, så må du se på valgene du har:

 

1: Du sier hva du føler for henne. Hun føler ikke det samme og dere mister kontakten og du mister en god venn.

 

2: Du sier hva du føler og hun føler det samme og dere har et fantastisk forhold.

 

3: Du iser hva du føler, men hun føler ikke det samme men dere forblir gode venner og kan alikevel snakke om alt sammen.

 

Hva er viktigst for deg?

Vil du ta sjangsen på å ødelegge et bra venneforhold?

[Vannfrisk]

Sånn som du beskriver vennskapet deres er en god beskrivelse for et vennskap jeg fikk i løpet av sommeren. Vi begynte med å gå små turer sammen, før vi dro til hverandre og så film. Vi sto utfor husene til hverandre og snakket i evigheter om alt og ingenting. En dag tok han mot til seg, og kysset meg Egentlig er ting ganske like nå som da, bortsett fra at det er litt mer og mye bedre. Det er et vanskelig problem med tanke på at du ikke vet hva hun føler, men er hun som meg, så tror jeg ikke hun kommer til å ta initiativ, og da er det opp til deg.