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Chuck Norris facts.

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Her er noen harde fakta om Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
     
     
  • There has never been a Chuck Norris movie made for 3-D, simply because simply seeing his roundhouse kick with 3-D glasses on would break your face in 48 different places, including your nuts.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris' case of the crabs is worth 5 million in the Chinese crabbing industry.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris was once fined $1,000 for drawing Native American war symbols in invisible ink on the canvases of the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Impressionist wing.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris can end any sentence with a preposition.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris can not only pull off the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique with only four fingers, he can also juggle a panda bear and a keg of grape juice while doing it.
     
     
  • Iraq didn't really have weapons of mass destruction, Chuck Norris was just visiting for a week while on vacation.
     
     
  • "The road less traveled" is less traveled because Chuck Norris lives on it.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris was asked to read for the part of William Wallace in Braveheart but when it came time for Chuck to scream freedom before he died he screamed "Don't Fuck with Chuck!" then proceeded to kill everyone in the casting room except Mel Gibson.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
     
     
  • The Leaning Tower of Pisa was the result of a light Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that actually took place in Poland.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris submitted a petetion of 10,000 signatures to McDonalds demanding they bring back "The McRib" sandwich. McDonalds brought it back until they realized every signature was in Norris' handwriting.
     
     
  • Heart disease is the number one cause of death for women in the US. Sex with Chuck Norris is close behind.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris once read the entire works of Stephen King in one hour by simply roundhouse kicking them.
     
     
  • The Lincoln-Douglas debater were the greatest in American history. The winner of all 7 of these historic debates was Chuck Norris because if an individual took more than 10 seconds, to ask a question, Chuck Norris killed them.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris has a hot or not rating of 1,000,000.
     
     
  • If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris is his own father.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris' phone number is 867-5309. Stop calling and asking for Jenny.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris doesn't drink Red Bull, Chuck Norris drinks the red blood of bulls.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris has 189 STDs, including 6 only found in sharks.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris converted to Islam. Upon his death he was sent to heaven and presented with 72 virgins. With a shake of his head and a stroke of his beard he said, "Been there, Done that."
     
     
  • Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris got a man pregnant.
     
     
  • When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris once went back in time to the pre historic era, to exact revenge on a T-Rex that ate an ancestor. On seeing how perfect and round his roundhouse kick was, the cave men were inspired to invent the wheel.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris carries a dozen cans of tuna on him at all times. Just in case.
     
     
  • In Chuck's earlier years he was abled to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris once overdrew his checking account, the result was the great depression.
     
     
  • One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful shit after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li.
     
     
  • The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris's heart beats twice per day. That's all he needs.
     
     
  • At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He immediatley threw up due to the extreme femininity of the drink. Another party goer quickly collected his vomit and sold it years later, we know this today as Jack Daniels.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris allowed Bruce Lee to appear to win in Return of the Dragon but Chuck became angry when Lee pulled his chest hair and punched Lee so hard that he "mysteriously" died a few years later.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are secretly married. Norris wears the pants.
     
     
  • Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris knows how much wood a wood chuck chucks. Chuck chucks more.
     
     
  • There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
     
     
  • The Tooth Fairy is actually a government commissioned agent assigned to collect teeth to be donated to worldwide victims of Chuck Norris facial strikes.
     
     
  • It is known to a few there is an 11th commandment, thou shalt not fuck with Chuck for he who does will be roundhoused into eternal damnation. God knows who's the real daddy!
     
     
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.
     
     
  • Only Chuck Norris is capable of consecutively firing a six-shooter seven times.
     
     
  • Native American's call "Indian burns" "Chuck Norris" burns.
     
     
  • If Chuck Norris had a dime for every man that didn't die from his roundhouse kick, he would have no dimes.
     
     
  • There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris's body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
     
     
  • Hurricane Katrina was just Chuck Norris sparring with Thor. Chuck won.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris once declared war on the city of Atlantis. He won.
     
     
  • Meeting Chuck Norris is a lot like life, it will always end in death.
     
     
  • Even Chuck Norris has a sense of humor. Nobody dares to test it, though.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris attempted to round house kick an apple off of William Tells' head and ended up breaking his skull 46 times. He said it was an accident, but we all know the truth.
     
     
  • A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
     
     
  • Chuck Norris was once watching the movie "Bambi" with his five year old son. When the lovable Bambi was shot, his son began to cry. Chuck stood up, and in a fit of rage yelled, "Chuck Norris doesn't raise pussies. Do I have to round house kick you back into your mother's womb?" After his son shook his head, Chuck sat back down on the couch. Just when everything seemed calm, he executed one of his infamous no look punches on his son and then yelled, "Sneak attack, bitch."
     
     
  • Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.
     
     
  • 76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris.
     
     
  • Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.
     
     
  • In 2005, four people died worldwide of shark bites. During this same period 4,000 sharks died of Chuck Norris bites.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

 

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies

the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

 

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

 

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

 

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

 

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

 

Whats the last thing going through someones head before Chuck norris kills them? His foot!

 

Chuck Norris doesn't get haircut, he just stares at them in the mirror and scares them back inside.

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