samling av næsty vitser

[pessimisten]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, 'Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!' The mom says, 'The bigger they are, the dumber they are.' So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, 'Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!' The mom says, 'The bigger they are, the dumber they are.' So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, 'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!'

[pessimisten]

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his manhood to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.... He kicks her in the face.

[pessimisten]

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

 

Once inside the bank, shortly after midnight their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

 

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, full stomach.

 

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!!"

[pessimisten]

Mickey wanted to get a divorce with Minnie, so they went to court. The judge asked Minnie's lawyer why Mickey wanted to get a divorce. She replied, 'He thinks my client is crazy.' The judge says to Mickey, 'Since there are no records of Minnie being crazy, you can't divorce her.' Mickey replies, 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f&(*ing Goofy!'

[pessimisten]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

 

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

 

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[P-in-P]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

 

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

 

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

 

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

5063718[/snapback]

 

AAAAAhhhaAAAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Kakofoni]

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his manhood to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.... He kicks her in the face.

5063652[/snapback]

Hvorfor skjønner jeg den aldri?

[pessimisten]

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his manhood to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.... He kicks her in the face.

5063652[/snapback]

Hvorfor skjønner jeg den aldri?

5067845[/snapback]

 

 

vanskelig å si

 

 

:

han teiper kuken til beinet (fordi når han ser henne så får han stå og det vil han ikke at hun skal se) så når han kommer til ho og skal på date; så åpner ho døre og er fint påkledd osv.osv. han får stå (og siden han har teipa kuken til beinet) så "løfter" kuken beinet og......he kicks her in the face

[Gjakmarrja]

"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

5063718[/snapback]

 

:!: å fy faen den hva god... ahahahaha :!:

 

 

*vits kommer når jeg har funnet en

[cErfik]

Haha er mange bra ass

 

 

får slenge på en jeg og da hørte den på Eddie Murphy sin ene stand up film delerius(eller hvordan du skriver det)

 

A rabbit and a bear is taking a shit in the woods, then the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "excuse me, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

No says the rabbit, and the bear uses the rabbit to whipe his ass with...

[P-in-P]

Haha, har sett delirious jeg også, fy faen så bra

 

Jeg har også sett Raw (EM), Bigger and Blacker, Never Scared og en til av Chris Rock, sett et par av Eddie Izzard og en av Pablo Fransisco og alle er å annbefale

[Fluffe]

Ikke la denne tråden dø ut!

 

 

 

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door

shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[Tobe__]

Sorry, men den var over streken

Endret 10. november 2005 av Alastor

[Fluffe]

Den var slem

[vgard]

De aller aller fleste vitsene her har vært helt überkonge, men den siste der var litt for grotesk til at jeg synes det var morsomt, men det kan jo være andre liker den.

[Venerable]

Er det lov med rasistiske vitser? Det er jo bare vitser liksom... Ingen som tar dem seriøst uansett.

 

Like den krybbedød vitsen forresten :!:

[ka1ser]

Nei likte ikke den krybbedød vitsen, den ble for sterk. Den andre med den døde ungen som ble kastet rundt i rommet var mye bedre. Og ikke rasistiske vitser værsåsnill. Barnslige vitser er toppen!

[Gjakmarrja]

Your mama is soo fat, when i tried to drive around her i ran out of gass :!:

 

Når jeg først lese den :!: men godt mulig den e gammel...

[cErfik]

Haha, har sett delirious jeg også, fy faen så bra

 

Jeg har også sett Raw (EM), Bigger and Blacker, Never Scared og en til av Chris Rock, sett et par av Eddie Izzard og en av Pablo Fransisco og alle er å annbefale

5076966[/snapback]

 

 

Har sett dem jeg også og har de fleste på dvd og ser dem om igjen og om igjen er like bra anbefaler dem på det sterkeste.

 

Denne her hørte jeg av sjefen på den gamle jobben min

 

 

Det var en engelsk mann som var så glad i en dame som het Wendy at han tatoverte navnet hennes på penisen. Men nå penisen ble slapp kunne man bare se Wy.

Senere på året var engelskmannen på ferie på Jamaica, og en kveld etter et par pils måtte han pisse og da så han ned på sidemannen i urinalen vedsiden av og la merke til at Jamaicaneren også hadde bokstavene Wy på penisen. Da sa engelskmannen "Please man tell me it doesn't say Wendy on our penis, because if it does I will kill my self, I love her so much osv." Da sa rastamannen " Relax englishman, it doesn't say Wendy it says : Welcome to Jamaica Have A nice Day.

 

 

Er sikkert noen typos men samme søren

 

Keep them jokes comming boys.

[iMono]

Haha, har sett delirious jeg også, fy faen så bra

 

Jeg har også sett Raw (EM), Bigger and Blacker, Never Scared og en til av Chris Rock, sett et par av Eddie Izzard og en av Pablo Fransisco og alle er å annbefale

5076966[/snapback]

 

 

Har sett dem jeg også og har de fleste på dvd og ser dem om igjen og om igjen er like bra anbefaler dem på det sterkeste.

 

Denne her hørte jeg av sjefen på den gamle jobben min

 

 

Det var en engelsk mann som var så glad i en dame som het Wendy at han tatoverte navnet hennes på penisen. Men nå penisen ble slapp kunne man bare se Wy.

Senere på året var engelskmannen på ferie på Jamaica, og en kveld etter et par pils måtte han pisse og da så han ned på sidemannen i urinalen vedsiden av og la merke til at Jamaicaneren også hadde bokstavene Wy på penisen. Da sa engelskmannen "Please man tell me it doesn't say Wendy on our penis, because if it does I will kill my self, I love her so much osv." Da sa rastamannen " Relax englishman, it doesn't say Wendy it says : Welcome to Jamaica Have A nice Day.

 

 

Er sikkert noen typos men samme søren

 

Keep them jokes comming boys.

5081560[/snapback]

Jeg trodde det stod "Welcome to Zimbabwe, hope you'll have a nice day" på penisen jeg...