samling av næsty vitser

[Greysoul]

- hva sa pikken til konomen?

dekk meg!, jeg går inn..

 

-hvorofor ble homsen sparket ut av sædbanken?

han drakk på jobb...

 

 

ps.ikke kom med de jævla kommentarene: "det var bare jævla ekkelt" eller "nå mista jeg appetitten" skal du poste, post en næsty vits!

[Buffaloboy]

Har venta på dette emnet i lange tider

 

To menn og en dame strandet på en øy etter et flykræsj. Etter en liten tid døde damen, og etter en uke sa den ene mannen til den andre: "nei, nå må vi holde opp med dette griset, la oss grave henne ned" En uke etter begravelsen sa den andre mannen: "nei, nå får vi holde opp med dette griset, la oss grave henne opp igjen!"

 

Tog du an ikkje?! Bruk fantasien

 

Buffaloboy

[pessimisten]

Har venta på dette emnet i lange tider

 

To menn og en dame strandet på en øy etter et flykræsj. Etter en liten tid døde damen, og etter en uke sa den ene mannen til den andre: "nei, nå må vi holde opp med dette griset, la oss grave henne ned" En uke etter begravelsen sa den andre mannen: "nei, nå får vi holde opp med dette griset, la oss grave henne opp igjen!"

 

Tog du an ikkje?! Bruk fantasien

 

Buffaloboy

tok den......

 

 

askepott gikk å satte seg på pinochios hode og sa; lie damnit, LIE!

[Ulf Isaksen]

askepott gikk å satte seg på pinochios hode og sa; lie damnit, LIE!

hadde den på signaturen min. men det var sikkert noen moderatorer som ikke tålte den. fikk vekslet denn inn i en advarsel

[pessimisten]

askepott gikk å satte seg på pinochios hode og sa; lie damnit, LIE!

hadde den på signaturen min. men det var sikkert noen moderatorer som ikke tålte den. fikk vekslet denn inn i en advarsel

lolz.....fant den på themexp.org under jokes

[Ulf Isaksen]

Vet du hvordan du kan vite at ei blondine har lånt PC-en din? Fittesaft på Joy-sticken

[iMono]

Vet du hvordan du kan vite at ei blondine har lånt PC-en din? Fittesaft på Joy-sticken

Den var bare elendig...

[iMono]

Gutten: Mamma, mamma! Søster har mensen!

Moren: Hvordan vet du det?

Gutten: Fordi pappa sin kuk smaker blod.

Endret 8. oktober 2005 av Dell_9200

[Ulf Isaksen]

Gutten: Mamma, mamma! Søster har mensen!

Moren: Hvordan vet du det?

Gutten: Fordi pappa sin kuk smaker blod.

Saatan for en familie!

[reds]

Hva er likheten på en homo's penis og en gaffel?

 

Svaralternativ:

A:Gaffelen pirker i dagens mat mens pikken roter i gårsdagens.

 

B: Begge går inn og ut av munnen. (Takk, MrLee)

 

 

Edit: Et alternativ til.

Endret 8. oktober 2005 av Marius E

[MrLee]

alternativt går begge inn og ut av munnen?

[iMono]

alternativt går begge inn og ut av munnen?

Begge har da lagt ifra seg noe?

[SkinnyT]

Hva er forskjellen på en bøtte med mensblod og en bøtte med sand?

Man kan ikke gurgle sand.

[Dwagon]

hvorfor gjør flodhester det under vann??

 

svar: hvordan skal man ellers få en 400kilos fitte våt.

[Togo]

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

 

The man says, "But, this is really special."

 

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

 

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my son and daughter come out and begin to do the same, but she's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

 

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."

 

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part, our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

 

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

 

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

 

And the father says, "The Aristocrats."

 

 

Erstatta den lange med en kortere versjon.

Endret 9. oktober 2005 av Togo

[P-in-P]

Den siste der gadd jeg ikke å lese (takler ikke lange vitser), men resten var hysteriske

 

Jeg har ikke noen vits å komme med, men jeg vil ha denne under mine inlegg...

[Gjest Yoshi]

Hihihi!

Har en sykt pervo unge i parallellklassen min som har en bok med pervovitser han hadde med på skolen en dag

utdrag:

 

Mannen: Kjære, når jeg var på butikken i dag så jeg at de hadde en ny type kondomer til salgs. Sånne med smak! Lyst til å prøve?

Damen: Å, ja! La meg gjette hvilken smak det er!

*Damen bøyer seg ned og smaker*

Damen: Oh, jordbær og banan!

Mannen: Jeg har ikke tatt den på enda.

 

Synes den er litt morsom, jeg

 

Og så en velkjent en:

Sex er som hacking, du går inn, roter litt rundt og håper at du ikke la igjen noe som kan komme tilbake og ta deg senere.

[MrLee]

Togo: sikker på at den korte ikke mangler noe? jeg tok den iallefall ikke..(men jeg er litt treig, så ikke vet jeg)

[Jihadinmymind]

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

 

The man says, "But, this is really special."

 

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

 

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my son and daughter come out and begin to do the same, but she's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

 

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."

 

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part, our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

 

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

 

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

 

And the father says, "The Aristocrats."

 

 

Erstatta den lange med en kortere versjon.

Har hørt denne i tett forskjellige versjoner, men jeg skjønner den ikke... Kan noen forklare den?

[Jihadinmymind]

Her kommer mine bidrag, fant dem på en TVILSOM MIRC server:

 

So I was fucking her doggy style and decide to pull a 'Houdini'. Right before I cum, I made noises like I had just shot my load, although it was still about 10 seconds away.

So she freaks the fuck out and whirls around to check my dick, and is like "ohh my god you didn't just cum in me, did.."

Right then I shot my load in face mid-sentence. Then I slapped her in the face *hard* and wiped the cum on my hand off on her hair.

I start laughing and she loses it. She starts blubbering and whining "I love you so much, and you treat me like shit.

what is wrong wiht you?" I quickly lose patience, and grab all her shit and toss it in the hallway (but not before I take the weed out of her pocket).

"Get the fuck out of here you dumb cunt" She runs out the door with tears and cum streaming down her face. I laugh and laugh and she is banging on the door.

I light up her weed and can still hear her wimpering in the hallway.

She finally left and I hope that cunt doesn't bother me anymore, she has a scar on her breast from getting something removed and that was a real turnoff.

 

Damn, its good to be King!

 

I have a friend who has a brother who is permanetly wheelchaired. He doesn't look that bad for a wheelchair person though. Now my friend is someone who I would even consider a BFF, or a Best Friend Forever. I always try to be as kind as possible to his brother even though he is a fucking cripple  in a fucking wheelchair  . Anyways I was over at my friends house for the weekend sleeping over. His parents were away at some fancy hotel in the bahamas. We were playing GameCube, Pikmin 2 while his brother was playing with some crayons and paper.

 

After a long while me and my friend grew rather famished so we decided to pause Pikmin 2 and order some pizza. We ordered two medium pizzas. One a Hawaian style and the other a cheese pizza. The place he orders from never delivers so one of us had to go and get the pizza while the other watched his brother. He chose to get the pizza so I stayed and watched his brother.

 

I decided I would start surfing some porn on my friends computer, I didn't notice his brother entering the room watching.

 

I was really getting into the masturbation strokes when I heard his brother say

 

"I like the porno too."

 

"WTF! When did you get in here?"

 

"I was just coming here because I was scared when it is dark."

 

"You didn't see me jacking off did you?"

 

He didn't speak for a few moments than he spoke up and said:

 

"I wanna blow you please."

 

"I'm sorry kid, but I don't think this is good topic."

 

"I never get to perform in any sex and since I are not able to stand I can just blow you for the penis please?"

 

"Uhmmm"

 

"Please let me blows your penis. I will even take the cum so less clean up to need."

 

"I'm sorry.------"

 

"Please you can even be mean to be me and make me gag. I want that so bad"

 

"Ok I guess"

 

The cripple rolled over to me and began to put his hot lips on my nice thick dick. He began to go up and down, up and down. Licking my pole like a lollipop. He then began moaning for me to start face fucking him. So I began thrusting my cock into his mouth further and further.

 

Finally I felt climax coming and I pushed my cock all the way into his mouth and held his face up against my cock. I began to jizz down his hot throat. I could hear him begin to cry so I let loose and he pulled back and rolled as fast away into his own room. I felt real bad.

 

Anyways his brother arrived a little later and we ate pizza and continues to play Pikmin 2.

 

After about a month or so I got a call from my friend asking if I knew anything about why his brother had genital herpes on his mouth.

 

I said I didn't know anything about it.

 

Oh god my conscience is eating me up inside. I dunno if I should tell him I facefucked his brother. I mean how could I tell him that.

 

Please people of hl2world, what should I do?

 

My friend Frank has a sister who has downs syndrome. She's 4 years younger than me, although you'd never know by looking at her. I've always been real nice when she picks up the phone or I go over there to hang out. He's already told me that she thinks I'm nice, something she doesn't think about most boys that come over there.

 

Cut to Monday night. We all have Tuesday off for Veteran's day, so Frank and I are over at his house (he still lives with his mom) playing some xbox. His sister is in the room, playing with dolls and ocasionally watching the screen as we played. Frank's mom is out running some errands, I think she was at her mothers house. The phone rings at about 8, and it's Frank's mom, Victoria. She tells Jessica (Frank's sister) that her car has broken down and needs Frank to take a look at it. Frank, being a car mechanic leaves to go check out the car, and asked me to look after Jessica while he was gone, since she gets really upset by cars. I agree, and he leaves.

 

I didn't really know what to do to entertain her, so I just sat around and kinda ****ed around, and would occasionally talk to her. For the most part, she sat there and played with her dolls, talking to them. I was sitting at the computers working on an essay for an Archaeology class when she asked me the following:

 

"What are doing John?"

"Oh, I'm typing a paper for a class."

"Heeee you need paper for class!"

"Yep, it's pretty important. "

 

She trailed off for a minute, and I resumed typing. About 5 minutes later, she spoke again.

 

"John, I know sex" - I was taken back. What do I say to her? Do I lie, do I acknowledge that she "knows" sex, what?

"Um, I'm not sure if we should talk about that, Jessica."

"I try sex with me and it good"

"Jessica, we really shouldn't talk about this..."

"Will you try with me?"

 

I didn't know what to do. I was sitting there, with my mouth half opened and I'm sure there was a puddle of drool forming on the carpet pretty fast. She asked again.

"Will you try sex with me? Nobody like me like you, you so nice and pretty"

 

****. ****sticks. ****ing ****ersticks from planet ****. I'm getting hit on by a retarded girl. What the **** do I do?

 

Yeah, I ****ed her. It was her first time, and she bled. It was not pleasent, and she wailed near the end, I guess an orgasm. When we were done I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, and cried. I fixed up myself and made sure she was alright. Then I went back to my essay while she did god knows what. I didn't care, I still don't. A wave of apathy crashed upon me.

 

Frank showed up about 10 minutes later, and I quickly excused myself to go home. I went home and cried myself to sleep on my pillow, accompanied by the horrible imagery which will haunt me to my grave. I woke up yesterday to the phone ringing, at about 7:30. Most people know to leave me alone at 7:30 when I'm not working, but I rolled over to see the caller ID. I looked down at it, saw it was Frank's house, and answered.

 

"Hey John, I need to..uhm...well...ask you about...uh...something."

Me, suddendly awake, "Uh yeah, whats up?"

"Well, last night after I brought my mom home, Jessica was..acting...strangely.."

"Oh, how do you mean?"

"There was blood dripping down her leg."

"What the ****?"

"Yeah, thats what we thought, too. We are trying to figure out what happened, do you know anything?"

"No man, I don't. Thats pretty ****ed up. Say, I gotta go because my breakfast is burning." - lie

"Alright John, I'll talk to you later."

 

What should I do!?? Confess to him and his mom about Jessica, keep my mouth shut? Threaten her with violence if she talks?

 

 

For the record - this in not me , not my story

yeah I know it's pretty ****ed up situation , but what do you think the guy should do??

I realize that hitting an underage retarded chick is not perfectly right , but I guess she wont get any more action anytime soon (probably not for the rest of her life) so basically what the guy did was showing her that life can be quite fun sometimes

 

what do ya think??