Dagens vits, gåte eller rim/dikt

[Xecuter]

Hva faen slags nordlending er du?

 

Merkeligste nord-norsken jeg har hørt. Fra Sør i nordland kanskje?

[1915]

NEI

[L4r5]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

 

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

 

Harry: “9″.

 

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

 

Harry: “36″.

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”

 

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

 

The principal and Harry both agree.

 

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

 

Harry, after a moment, “Legs.”

 

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied, “Pockets.”

 

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

 

Harry: “Pants”

 

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Harry: Coconut

 

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

 

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

 

Harry: Bubblegum

 

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

 

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

 

Harry: Shake hands

 

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

 

Harry: Yep.

 

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

 

Harry: Tent

 

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

 

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

 

Harry: Wedding Ring

 

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

 

Harry: Nose

 

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

 

Harry: Arrow

 

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?

 

Harry: Firetruck

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

[L4r5]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

 

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

 

"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.

 

"Yep." was the calm reply.

 

"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.

 

"Nope."

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

[L4r5]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

 

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[viste19]

alle barna var å badet utenom per. for han satt i bilen.

 

 

HAHAHAHHA

[No Matter What You Say]

Hva skjedde da Vigeland ved et uhell mistet en kavring på bakken, i Somalias hovedstad Mogadishu?

 

 

Han ble inspirert av det han så, og lagde senere Monolitten!

 

[L4r5]

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

 

The kid says "one".

 

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says "$101,237.65".

 

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

 

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

 

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

 

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

 

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

[Nakmus]

Vet du åssen de fant ut at Michael Jackson var pedofil?

 

De fant en melketann under forhuden hans.

 

--------

 

Er du sexdesperat, trenger du en sexkamerat - er du kåt, er du vill, ikke glem at jeg er til!

Endret 23. april 2009 av Marwon

[Tommsern92]

Minni var ute og gikk tur i skogen. Så ble minni borte.

Mikke gikk ut for å lete, så fant Mikke Minni, og da fikk Mikke mus

[Sweetpea]

Per og Erik var tvillinger. Per eide en gammel, elendig båt og tilfeldighetene ville det slik at Eirik's kone døde samme dag som Per's båt sank. Noen dager senere traff Per en gammel tante som trodde han var Erik.

 

- Så leit å høre om tapet ditt.

Per trodde hun mente båten og svarte; Njaa, faktisk er jeg bare glad jeg er kvitt henne. Hun var gjennområtten fra dag en. Underdelen var fullstendig revet fra hverandre og hun luktet gammel fisk. Hun lakk hele tiden og hadde en stor sprekk bak og et ganske stort hull fremme. Hver gang jeg brukte henne ble hullet større. Jeg går ut fra at det som tok knekken på henne var at jeg leide henne ut til fire karer som ville ha det morro. Idiotene forsøkte alle å komme inn i henne samtidlig, så hun sprakk på midten. Men det er ikke så farlig, får bare begynne å sjekke annonsene for å finne en ny.

[superkaisa]

presidenten av usa møtte presidenten av sametinget:

 

USA: i am the president of usa

Sametinget: i am the president of the sametinget(uttales same thing=samme ting)

 

 

sikkert masse engelsk feil! (og norsk:P)

[-MK-]

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.

[wacz]

I følge emnet er det også lov dikt/rim

Jeg starter like gjerne med et dansk:

Livet er en blanding av alvor og spøg, gaar det paa tverke saa tag dig en røg.

-Elias Kræmmer

Endret 10. mai 2009 av wacz

[tellicherry]

borte...

Endret 9. april 2011 av tellicherry

[Mads-b]

Det er mye du kan klandre pedofile for. Men en ting skal de ha: De kjører særdeles rolig og forsiktig forbi barnehagene

[Mchansern]

Det var engang en mann som var strandet på en øde øy alene med en gris og en hund. Etterhvert som ukene gikk ble han økte seksualdriften hos mannen så han tenkte at han kunne prøve å "ha seg" med grisen. Hver gang han prøvde dette ble bikkja rabiat å bite han. Etter flere uker med prøving kommer plutselig den fineste dama han kan tenke seg opp av vannet. Han klyper seg selv i armen og tror han drømmer, men det gjør han ei. Damen kommer bort til han og spør "Hei jeg kan gjøre alt for deg, hva vil du jeg skal gjøre". Mannen svarer raskt "Gidder du å holde bikkja mens jeg tar grisen.

 

[uskyldig212]

1. hva er forskjellen mellom svigermor og en basket ball?

: man sparker ikke basketballen

 

2. hva er likheten mellom en tornado og en blondine?

: først er det masse suging så mister du huset xD

 

3. alle barna lekte i veien untatt rolf. han satt klistra i grillen på en golf

 

4. hvorfor kan ikke de arangsjere julespill i sverige?

: de finner ikke 3 vise menn xD

 

5. hva er likheten av et rullebånd og michel jakson

begge 2 er farlig for barn

[tjaa]

hva får man hvis man putter ett barn med epilepsi i en postkasse?

 

-en rytmeboks

 

Den var stygg.

Ei lita jente, som har mista begge armene står i kjøkkenet og stirrer håpefullt opp mot en kakeboks høyt oppe på skapet. Mor haster forbi på vei til stuen, ser på barnet og på kakeboksen og sier: Ingen armer ingen kake!

 

edit: 1 til:

 

Hva er likheten på en hund?

- den gjør i begge ender

Endret 7. juni 2009 av tjaa

[marcusss]

Her er en liten limerick jeg har laget selv:

 

Det var en unggutt fra Jæderen*

Som trodde han var en stor dikter, men

Publikum døde,

Og salen lå øde

Da han var ferdig med dikt nummer én

 

*Den gamle måten å skrive "Jæren" på.