Dagens vits, gåte eller rim/dikt

[SemikolonP]

En dame hadde vært gift tre ganger, men var fortsatt jomfru. En venninne spurte henne hvordan i all verden det kan være mulig.

 

- Vel, svarte hun. - Første gangen giftet jeg med en åttiåring, og han døde før vi fikk fullbyrdet bryllupet.

 

- Den andre gangen giftet jeg med en marineoffiser og det brøt ut krig på bryllupsdagen. Han døde desverre i krigen.

 

- Tredje mannen jeg giftet meg med var en Microsoft Windows-programmerer, og han satt bare på sengekanten og fortalte hvor bra det skulle bli.

[Alpakasso]

Hvorfor dusjer presten med badeshorts?

 

... Han vil ikke se ned på de arbeidsløse.

 

Endret 3. juli 2008 av -Evolution-

[Emancipate]

En dame hadde vært gift tre ganger, men var fortsatt jomfru. En venninne spurte henne hvordan i all verden det kan være mulig.

 

- Vel, svarte hun. - Første gangen giftet jeg med en åttiåring, og han døde før vi fikk fullbyrdet bryllupet.

 

- Den andre gangen giftet jeg med en marineoffiser og det brøt ut krig på bryllupsdagen. Han døde desverre i krigen.

 

- Tredje mannen jeg giftet meg med var en Microsoft Windows-programmerer, og han satt bare på sengekanten og fortalte hvor bra det skulle bli.

 

En dame hadde vært gift fire ganger, men var fortsatt jomfru. En venninne spurte henne hvordan i all verden det kan være mulig.

 

- Vel, svarte hun. - Første gangen giftet jeg med en åttiåring, og han døde før vi fikk fullbyrdet bryllupet.

 

- Den andre gangen giftet jeg med en marineoffiser og det brøt ut krig på bryllupsdagen. Han døde desverre i krigen.

 

- Tredje mannen jeg giftet meg med var en Microsoft Windows-programmerer, og han satt bare på sengekanten og fortalte hvor bra det skulle bli.

 

- Den fjerde mannen jeg giftet meg med var frimerke-slikker. Han bare... åhh som jeg savner ham!

[L4r5]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

 

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

 

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

 

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

 

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

 

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

 

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

 

That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

 

That's 18,000 women drivers!

 

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

 

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

 

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

 

That's 98.

 

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

 

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

 

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

 

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

[L4r5]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

 

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

 

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

 

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres!

 

So I called him a piece of horse shit.

 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

 

Then he started writing a third ticket!

 

This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

I didn't care.

 

My car was parked around the corner.

 

I try to have a little fun each day.

 

It's important.

[L4r5]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate

 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. Wha t we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.

Peter is waiting for him.

 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours ha ve gone by and St.

Peter returns.

 

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

 

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the midd le of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

[L4r5]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Xecuter]

...snip...

 

 

Haha! Det var faktisk en av de bedre!

[d0ffen_k]

FEIL PÅ PRØVE

 

Bin Laden jr.: Pappa jeg fikk feil på prøven idag.

 

Bin Laden: Hva fikk du feil på da ?

 

Bin Laden jr. : Jeg sa at Eiffel-tårnet er større enn World Trade Center.

 

Bin Laden : Rolig sønn, dette ordner pappa.

 

den er MAX kul

[L4r5]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

“What are you doing?” she asked.

 

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,”the daughter-in-law answered.

 

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

 

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

 

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.

“It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

 

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked.

 

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

 

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner”?

[L4r5]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

 

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

 

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

 

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot @sshole? " he asked.

 

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[Lampen]

Mine innlegg

 

 

Hvorfor kunne ikke jesus vært født i sverige? ingen jomfruer eller 3 visemenn

Endret 17. august 2008 av Lampen

[L4r5]

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

 

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”

 

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

 

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”

[L4r5]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette…

It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the

questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

[Daily-Drifter]

If these are cigarettes, please bring me some weed, but if this is weed, please bring me some cigarettes

[Poseboen]

There once was a farmer who had three daughters. They we're all going out on their first date at the same time. The farmer decided to meet the three gentlemen at the front door with a shotgun.

The first one rings the door bell. The farmer opens and the gentleman says: Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going for the Show. Is she ready to go?

The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next man arrives and says:

My name is Eddie. I'm here for betty. We're going to get some spagetthi. Is she ready?

The farmer felt this one was ok too, so of the two kids went.

The final man arrives and says:

Hi my name is Buck. and the farmer shot him.

[cappi]

to emoa gikk over en vei så blei den ene på kjørt, så sir den andre, DET VIL Æ Å!!!

[L4r5]

Så var det sadisten og masochisten som møttes:

"Slå meg! Slå meg!" sier masochisten

"Nee-i..." svarer sadidisten

[cappi]

det var far og sønn som va på nudist stranda, så ville faren sole seg på private plassa, så gikk det no en stud, så sporte søn ka e det, og pekte mellom beinan på faren, det e pipp pippen svarte faren, faren sovna av, og når han vokna va han på sykehus, du lege ka æ gjør her, nei du det trur æ du må spøre sønn din om, du sønn ka æ gjør her, nnnnnjaaa det vil æ ikke si, jo si det, jo du skjøne æ sat og lekte med pipp pippen så spøta han på meg så æ kappa av strupen, reiv av reire, og knuste eggan

[1915]

må ta disse på nordlening siden de er best og jeg er det

 

ha du hært om flyet som tok heilt av ?

 

ha du hørt om snekkert som LESTA sæ ferbi hjørnet ;p

 

ha du hørt om elektrikeren som for tel syden fer å kobel heilt av