Morsomme tekster, ol.

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Jeg fant ingen eksisterende tråd for dette, og jeg er lei av å lete gjennom mange tråder for å finne noe morsomt å lese, eller å lete gjennom en haug av tråder for å finne ut om det allerede er blitt postet, så hvorfor ikke samle alle fremtidige tekster, brev, lister, etc. (bortsett fra vitser) i denne tråden?

 

Jeg starter:

 

 

Accident Reports

 

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

 

 

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

 

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

 

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

 

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

 

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

 

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

 

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

 

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

 

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

 

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

 

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

 

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

 

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

 

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

 

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

 

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

 

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

 

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

 

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

 

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

 

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

 

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

 

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

 

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

 

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

 

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

 

 

 

Excuse Letters

 

The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

 

 

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

 

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

 

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

 

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

 

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

 

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

 

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

 

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

 

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

 

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

 

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

 

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

 

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

 

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

 

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

 

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

 

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

 

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

 

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

 

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

 

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

 

 

Courtroom Quotations

 

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

 

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

Witness: "I only have one, you know."

 

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

Witness: "By death."

Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

 

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

 

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

 

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

Witness: "July 15th."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

 

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"

Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."

Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"

Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."

Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"

Witness: "'Winchester'!"

 

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

 

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

Witness: "Er...his face."

 

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

Witness: "I forget."

Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

 

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

Witness: "Forty-five years."

 

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan."

 

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

 

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

Witness: "After the accident?"

Lawyer: "Before the accident."

Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

 

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "What did she say?"

Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

 

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

Officer: "Yes, I do."

Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

 

Lawyer: "What happened then?"

Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

Witness: "No."

 

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

 

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

 

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

 

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

 

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

 

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

 

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

 

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

Witness: "That's me."

Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

 

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

 

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"

Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."

Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

 

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Witness: "Four times."

 

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

 

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "How many were boys?"

Witness: "None."

Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

 

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

 

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

 

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"

Witness: "Not yet."

 

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

 

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"

Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."

Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

 

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"

Witness: "Borofkin."

Lawyer: "What's his first name?"

Witness: "I can't remember."

Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"

Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

 

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"

Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"

Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"

Witness: "No."

 

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"

Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

 

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"

Witness: "Fair."

 

Lawyer: "Are you married?"

Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

 

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"

Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

 

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"

Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

 

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

 

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

 

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

 

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

 

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"

Witness: "Picking them up in the air."

Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

 

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

 

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"

Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "How old are you?"

Witness: "Oral."

 

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

Witness: "She is my daughter."

Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

 

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

 

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

 

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"

Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."

Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

 

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"

Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

 

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"

Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."

Lawyer: "It was covered?"

Witness: "Yes, bandaged."

Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"

Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

 

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"

Witness: "I could see his head."

Lawyer: "And where was his head?"

Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

 

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"

Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

 

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

Witness: "The victim lived."

 

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."

Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

 

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"

Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

 

 

Resume Quotations

 

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

 

 

Resumes:

 

"I am very detail-oreinted."

 

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

 

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

 

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

 

"Served as assistant sore manager."

 

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

 

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

 

"Special skills: Thyping."

 

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

 

"I can play well with others."

 

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

 

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

 

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

 

"I eat computers for lunch."

 

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

 

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

 

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

 

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

 

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

 

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

 

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

 

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

 

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

 

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

 

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

 

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

 

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

 

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

 

"I am a rabid typist."

 

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

 

"Special Skills: Speak English."

 

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

 

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

 

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

 

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

 

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

 

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

 

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

 

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

 

"ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

 

"AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER' EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY... TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

 

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

 

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

 

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

 

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

 

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

 

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

 

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

 

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

 

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

 

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

 

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

 

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

 

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

 

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

 

 

Cover Letters:

 

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

 

"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

 

"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

 

"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

 

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

 

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

 

"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

 

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

 

"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

 

"I am sicking and entry-level position."

 

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

 

"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

 

"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

 

"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

 

"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

 

"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

 

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

 

"I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

 

"My primary goal is to be recognized."

 

"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

 

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."

 

"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

 

"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

 

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

 

"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

 

"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

 

"I worked here full-time there."

 

"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

 

"You are privileged to receive my resume."

 

 

Patient Charts

 

You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem. The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

 

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

 

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

 

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

 

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

 

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

 

"The patient refused an autopsy."

 

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

 

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

 

"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

 

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

 

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

 

"She is numb from her toes down."

 

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

 

"The skin was moist and dry."

 

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

 

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

 

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

 

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

 

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

 

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

 

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

 

"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

 

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

 

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

 

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

 

"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

 

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

 

"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

 

 

Bare si ifra hvis mer er ønsket

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Absurde Eksamenssvar:

 

H2O er varmt vand, og CO2 er koldt vand.

 

Hvis du kan lugte en lugtfri gas, så er det sikkert kulilte.

 

Vand består af to gin´er, Oxygin er ren gin, hydrogin er gin og vand.

 

Blod løber ned ad det ene ben og op i det andet.

 

Åndedrættet består af to dele. Den første er inspiration, den anden er transpiration.

 

Månen er en planet ligesom jorden, den er bare endnu mer død.

 

Kunstig befrugtning det er, når bondemanden gør det på koen i stedet for tyren.

 

Dug opstår på blade, når solen skinner ned på dem, og får dem til at svede.

 

En super gennemtrængende opløsning er en, der holder mer end den lover.

 

Svampe gror altid på fugtige steder, og derfor ligner de paraplyer.

 

Skelettet, det er det, der er tilbage, efter at det indvendige er taget ud og det udvendige er taget af. Formålet med skelettet er at have noget at hægte kødet på.

 

Tidevand er en kamp mellem Jorden og månen. Alt vand bevæger sig imod månen, fordi der ikke er vand på månen og naturen udfylder altid et vakuum. Jeg har glemt, hvor solen står i denne kamp.

 

Et fossil er et dyr, der er uddødt. Jo ældre det er, jo mer uddød er det.

 

Germanisering: At blive en indfødt tysker.

 

Magnet: Noget der kravler rundt på en død kat.

 

Momentum er noget man giver en person, der er døende.

 

En planet er et legeme af jord omgivet af himmel.

 

Rabarber er en slags blodsprængt bladselleri.

 

Vakuum: Et stort, tomt rum, hvor paven lever.

 

Før man giver en blodtransfusion, så skal man finde ud af, om blodet er bekræftende eller benægtende.

 

For at fjerne støv fra øjet: Træk øjet ned over næsen.

 

Ved næseblod: Hold næsen meget lavere end kroppen, indtil hjertet holder op med at slå.

 

Ved hundebid: Gem hunden af vejen nogle dage. Hvis den ikke er kommet sig, så slå den ihjel.

 

Ved snue: brug en spray og spray op i næsen indtil det drypper ned i halsen.

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Church Bulletin Quotations

 

"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

 

"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

 

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

 

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

 

"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

 

"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

 

"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

 

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

 

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

 

"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

 

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

 

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

 

"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

 

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

 

"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

 

"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

 

 

Church Anecdote:

 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

 

 

 

News Reports

 

We normally expect news services to be precise and professional. It makes slip-ups all the more amusing.

 

 

Headlines:

 

"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.

 

"Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.

 

"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.

 

"Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.

 

"Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.

 

"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

 

"Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

 

"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

 

"Women Look Good" -- In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women's curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.

 

"Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use" -- A local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.

 

"Church Plan Upsets Brothel" -- Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000

 

"Man Died of Natural Causes" -- Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

 

"School Praised After Vandalism" -- West Briton, November 9, 2000

 

"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000

 

"Rise of 'Mutants' Leaves France a Divided Nation" -- Times, November 21, 2000

 

 

News Articles:

 

"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." -- From a New Zealand paper.

 

"Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.

 

"'It's a sad and tragic fact that, if you're a farmer, you are three times more likely to die than the average New Zealander,' he said. The rate was even worse for farm workers." -- From a New Zealand paper.

 

"Latest census figures show that more than one New Zealander is a Maori or Polynesian." -- A New Zealand paper's cautious yet accurate report.

 

"Visitors to the sandspit are advised that there is a prohibited area near the groin." -- From a New Zealand paper.

 

"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." -- From a New Zealand paper.

 

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

 

"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review.

 

 

Radio News:

 

"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.

 

"Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.

 

 

Televised Reports:

 

"Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.

 

"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

 

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.

 

"Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese." -- From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.

 

 

Online News:

 

"Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam War." -- From abcnews.com, April 30, 2000. Revisionist history strikes again; now the war only lasted one day.

 

 

News Ads:

 

"Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.

 

"Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.

 

 

Corrections:

 

"Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson." -- Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.

 

 

Events:

 

"March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing" -- In a school's newsletter.

 

 

Horoscopes:

 

"Cancer, June 22-July 23. Your home life could be chaotic. Some moments of solitude and medication can help you get through the day."

 

 

Sports Announcing:

 

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news

 

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1

 

"Well, I guess we can see that Ralph isn't a left-handed hooker." -- Sportscaster, after Ralph Sampson missed a left-handed hook shot.

 

"It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.

 

"And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.

 

"And there's Bill Gates, the...most...famous...man in the...ah...Microsoft." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.

 

"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.

 

 

Interviews:

 

"Am I cold? Why do you think I'm sitting here under these two Africans?" -- An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.

 

"How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."

 

"So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

[John Keats]

Herregud for en sinnsykt lang post.. orka ikke lese hele men mye morsommt her absurde eksamenssvar eide!!

[Minty123]

Bra jobba med å samle alt det der, jeg lo godt

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Legg til mer dere og, hvis dere finner noe.

 

Her er mer:

 

The Language Barrier

 

English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

 

 

Signs and Notices:

 

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.

 

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.

 

"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

 

"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.

 

"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

 

"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

 

"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.

 

"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.

 

"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.

 

"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.

 

"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.

 

"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.

 

"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.

 

"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.

 

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.

 

"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.

 

"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

 

"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.

 

"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.

 

"Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.

 

"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

 

"Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.

 

"This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.

 

"Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.

 

To everyone of the use, Laundromat.

Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.

1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.

2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.

3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.

4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.

5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.

6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.

-- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo.

 

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.

 

"Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.

 

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.

 

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.

 

"Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.

 

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.

 

"Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.

 

"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.

 

"Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China.

 

"Figure Out Fare Office" -- A sign on a small wooden house at a bus station in Laos.

 

"Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.

 

"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.

 

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.

 

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.

 

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.

 

"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.

 

"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.

 

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.

 

"Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.

 

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.

 

"Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.

 

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.

 

"Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.

 

"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.

 

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.

 

"Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.

 

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.

 

"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket.

 

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.

 

"Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.

 

"WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

 

"Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.

 

"Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany.

 

"Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan.

 

"Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.

 

"Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.

 

"You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.

 

 

Instructions:

 

"Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away." -- From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.

 

"Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!" -- Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.

 

"three types of ball are offered. They are one. two. three." -- Instructions for Chinese Baoding Exercise balls.

 

"Can't food or drink." -- On a bottle of cleaning fluid for a 3 1/2" head cleaning disk.

 

"Not to be used for the other use." -- On a Japanese food processor.

 

"Cease Fire." -- On a fire extinguisher in Calcutta, India.

 

"1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello." -- On a phone card in Japan.

 

"You will know radio on by enchanting green light." -- From the instructions for a Hitachi radio.

 

"This is natural deliciousness given from warm solar light and a rich field. Attach it to time of your wonderful tea. Please ear it on the tea time of afternoon." -- On the wrapper of a brand of tea cookies.

 

"Warning! Click the model you need! Be sure to downlode the correct software; otherwise, the device will be out of work!!" -- From the drivers section of a model manufacturer's web site.

 

"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." -- From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner.

 

"Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying 'Hello!' or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone." -- Instructions for a telephone manufactured in Japan.

 

"Assembly. 1. Attach upper pipe to pillar pipe and pull out pillar pipe until the top of upper pipe is reached to the ceiling. 2. Tighten the short bolt of pipe support connector all the way. 3. Turn pole to counter clockwise with holding rubber foot to have secured strong set up or you can turn rubber foot to clockwise. 4. Measuring appreciate height to hang clothes and fasten bracket tightly to poles. 5. Pull out cross bar to appreciate length." -- Instructions for a closet insert manufactured in Japan.

 

"Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust." -- Instructions, translated from Mandarin, for a computer monitor.

 

"Fingering the nothingness that underlies everything." -- How a Japanese technical manual referred to a "pointer to void."

 

"Almighty type." -- On a box for a universal (guitar/bass) guitar holder from Japan.

 

"Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases." -- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.

 

"I can singing and dancing." -- On a toy gorilla.

 

"With Fresh Vegetables dayly... Just a little bit, different Tastes of a regular cook." -- Instructions on the box of a cooking device for making potato curls.

 

"Helps you in cooking fast, joyful beautiful sharp edged!" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.

 

"Made of Safety Type, Hi-Quality Nylon Brinforced Glass" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.

 

"Helps your cooking fast, joyfully with wonderfully edged strings!" -- Instructions from the potato curl device manual.

 

"Slices, Tine cuts, Strips, etc., made speedily and with no wastes." -- More instructions from the potato curl device manual.

 

"Polygon Form: It is a solid image by the line and plane. Anyone is assembled on the screen." -- On the label of a T-shirt purchased in Japan.

 

"Strong disk plug." -- "Hard drive," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese hard drive.

 

"Qimiao" top is an intellectual toy made auording to physical fundamentals, it has simple stmcture, advanced technological procese, delicate model and various ways to play. It inspires children's thacghts and touches off the latent energy of scientific knowledge. Deep individually the friends welcome.

 

 

Manipulation Instnutions:

 

To start with the rack: Make the rack tallywith the wheel, Then pull it out with ease, make the top rotate at a high speed.

To start with the thread: wind the thread around the axis, hold the outside circle of the top with left hand, peass thelong end of the thread with the left palm, draw out the short amd of the thread with force, make the top rotate at the high speed.

 

A life seems to bave been poured into the rotafing toy as soom as it gets started. LED will rmit light and form a colorful circle, NO inatter where it is or what angle it is at, the toy may always atand wpright, lay down, It is veny enyoyable, Many diggicult and exciting plays can be xomplets during the process.

 

-- Instructions on a top made in China.

 

"Synopsis of the Healthy Ball

The Introduction Remarks of Gymnastic Batt Bail Modelled on Cloisnne And Gymnaastic Ball Modelled on Jade Design.

Cloisonne Gymnastic Ball and Jade Gymnastic Ball modelled after the traditional techological process of doisonne and painting of China. It not only carries on the ancient traditional technology, but also creates some more patterns. So it becomes even more sounder. wear-resisting and it is not so cold as iron ones in winter. It is a king of handicrafte treasure senior gift and the best thing for middle or old men to built up their bodies.

 

Function: The ball is based on the theory of traditional chinese medical science that every finger links with the heart. when you move the balls on your palm, all the muscles and joints would be put in motion, and thus the body of the ball will stimulate each acupuncture point on the hand. This can makc the circulation of vital energy and blood go through. Wbile you play with the ball, it can provide a sounding of high and low. The sounding will regulate your nervous system and relax your muscles. After a period of time of exercises, it can prevent high blood pressure from appearing, stop nerves from being weak of insomnia, neurasthenia and moreover to prolong your life. The only way you can reach the aim is never stop exercising the ball on your palm

 

Usage: When playing with balls, hold two of them with the palm of your hand.enable the two balls to go around each other. It is suitable for beginners to choose the ball in sm ll size to play with. when you got the skill to play, you can choose the ball in bigger size, and then you can play with three or four within one hand at a time.

 

Maintenance: The ball is made of metal, which should be kept dry and clean and prevent from violent collision.If it to be put unused for a long time coat it with wax or grease for sealing and preservation"

 

-- Instructions on a Cloisonne Hand Exercising Balls, which are two hand-painted metallic balls with chimes inside them. The intention is to roll the balls around in your palm as a means of stress relief and relaxation.

 

"Setting Pre Ceiling Way and Means:

(1) with appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that serew no wield.May wield two-faced,pressboard securing. wied pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.

(2) Thread of length need half as many again as tad.

(3) Open toy of batteries shuck. Verification batteries,+,-whereafter stow down.to a certainty need locknat lest take place accident.

(4) Hook through toys apside of hole.

(5) Needs swithes shoving NO.for pre arrows specifying of orention shoving. Pack it up time, withbold toy pate,need switches shoving OFF.

* Prythee no sport with stingy or play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril.

* Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.

* Till the cowcomes home.Wield toys damage,burn-in prythee wind to a close wield.

* Give attention to open/close toys,therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention.

* Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.

* Batteries no electification dissolution,plunge ioto aquaor fire.

* Not trust for tad batteries lest in advertent eat off. In the event of accident without loss of time plythee pillroller tuke order with.

May pre house the seamy side volitation!!!"

-- Instructions and warnings on a Dragonball-Z toy. See a scanned image.

 

"1. Check the screws, wheels for loosen and abnormality, height of handle and handle before usage.

2. This product is for sliding only, please don't modify this product.

3. For you safety, please put on safety helmet, knee, elbows and wrist guards and put on leisure clothing. Never wear high heel shoes or shoes with slipper sole, avoid headphone and sun glass.

4. Avoid riding together with two persons or on busy street, pedestrian path, gravel road or any place which tend to slippery. We're commend using this product on a parking lot or road without traffic or vacant asphalt game areas.

5. Please don't use by children or person who doesn't read this instruction.

6. Please don't use this product in case of drinking or physically unfit.

7. Please don't use this product in case of raining, snowing, at night.

8. Brake is unable to provide reliable protection on slopes, thus, aware of the speed and make sure you can stop when necessary. But don't reduce the speed too fast, you may fall.

9. Please grip the handles properly while using; besides, don't use this product as a transportation vehicle. Pay attention to pedestrian, handicapped, bike rider, roller skater, skateboard player or pet to avoid traffic accident.

10. You may lose your balance while tuming, you are batter to get off or decrease your speed before tuming.

11. Pay attention to the furrows on the road, for the wheel may get stuck or blocked at tramlines or manhole covers.

12. The weight limit of this product on application is 150LBS or less.

13. This product is suitable for sliding only, do not overestimate your skills. You should adapt the speed to your abiliyt always, it is a good idea to get off if you in doubt of traffic conditions.

14. When self-locking nuts and other self-locking fixings may loose their effectiveness."

-- The safety sheet for a scooter manufactured in Asia.

 

"The new-designed costume facilitates the figure which in fine proportion with moveable joints acts lively. Transformation comes possible."

"Beware of being swallowed by child, due to small parts."

"Avoid disturbing the other while enjoying this item."

"During cutting, do not put your head too close."

"There is difference between up and down."

"Insert G-51 until you hear 'Kar'."

-- Excerpts from the instructions on a Dragonball-Z action figure.

 

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.

 

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.

 

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.

 

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.

 

"Learn how to use your chopsticks Tuk under thurnb and hcld firmly Add second chcostick hold it as you hold a pencil Hold tirst chopstick in originai position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- Instructions for using chopsticks, on the back of the same chopsticks wrapper mentioned above.

 

"Add second chopstick hold it you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in onginial position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- A rewrite.

 

"Hold first chopstick on orginal position move its second up and down now you can pick - up anything" -- Another rewrite.

 

"Two little sticks

They're made out of wood

And they help you

To pick up your lunch

Your lunch

And if you practice

Then you'd get good

And you'll tind you can pick up

A bunch to munch

Eat noodles with chopsticks

Eat dumplings with chopsticks

Eat sushi with chopsticks

That's fish!

Don't eat soup with your chopsticks

That's no good with chopsticks

And jello with slide off

Your dish

I eat with chopsticks

Can you eat with chopsticks

Doctor told us

Be intell eat by using chopsticks

Lots of people use chopsticks

So try eat your chopsticks

Right Now"

-- The same brand of chopsticks, apparently giving up on prose and going for poetry instead.

 

 

Spoken:

 

"Hey, you there! Open those windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom English was a second language.

 

"With you I feel myself in kindergarten!" -- Spoken by a Russian teacher of mathematics to a noisy class.

 

 

Brochures and Newspapers:

 

"When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor." -- From a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.

 

"Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in." -- From a brochure.

 

"Let's fun." -- From a advertising paper for a local disco in Luxembourg.

 

"A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita airport.

 

"Val d'Isere, a resort village, expects you in Winter as well as in Summer for spending relaxing and well-being moments in its comfortable environment." -- From a brochure for the Val d'Isere ski resort.

 

"In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.

 

"In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.

 

"Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- "On cards handed out by a man in front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.

 

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.

 

"Having freshly taken over the propriety of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a french widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here, you shall be well fed-up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties, our motto is ever serve you right!" -- From a European holiday brochure.

 

 

Anglo-Centricism:

 

"If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2." -- From a recording on an Australian information line, which was set up to answer questions about the new Goods and Services Tax plan.

 

 

English Text on Food Packaging:

 

"Just like feeling a fruit in just season itself." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of orange juice.

 

"Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of coffee.

 

"Pocari Sweat is highly recommended as a beverage for such activities as sports, physical labor, after a hot bath, and even as a eye-opener in the morning." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beverage called "Pocari Sweat."

 

"What are your priorities? Favor? Refreshment? Price? Sparkle? Sapporo Drafty has them all." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beer.

 

"This light and smooth taste drink is the best refreshment to you. Anytime, anywhere, just like your friend." -- From the packaging of a Japanese no-name brand of orange juice.

 

"Expiration date: 2 years." -- From the packaging of a Chinese brand of medicine.

 

 

Fortune Cookies:

 

"Your life should be recorded for prosperity."

 

 

Product Name Translations:

 

"Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.

 

"Manure stick." -- "Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.

 

"Micro tender rat." -- "Microsoft Mouse," as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese Microsoft-compatible mouse.

 

 

Advertising Slogans:

 

"Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.

 

"Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.

 

"Suffer from diarrhea." -- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of Coors.

 

"Fly naked." -- "Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of American Airlines' leather first class seats.

 

"I saw the potato." -- "I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.

 

"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.

 

 

From Foreign Menus:

 

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.

 

"Savour best match of the mysterious sauces." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Modernly arranged miscellaneous European Flavors." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Vietnam bird salad, mixed Chimaki and asian corses." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Seasonal ingredients specially pre-pared and directly imported from their place of origination." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.

 

"Jam and Cheese Sandwich." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

 

"Pastry Chef." -- From a menu in Costa Rica.

 

"Waffies." -- From a menu in Thailand.

 

"Children soup." -- From a menu in India.

 

"Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady." -- From a menu in India.

 

"Grilled lamp ribs." -- From a menu in Barcelona.

 

"Vegitational beef soap." -- From a menu in Brazil.

 

"'Boys style' little chickens." -- From a menu in Barcelona.

 

"Pork with fresh garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.

 

"Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.

 

"French fried ships." -- From a menu in Cairo.

 

"Fried friendship." -- From a menu in Nepal.

 

"Fried fishermen." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Friend eggs." -- From a menu in Laos.

 

"Gordon blue." -- From a menu in a Korean hotel.

 

"Cram Chowder." -- From a Chinese buffet in Canada.

 

"Rather burnt land slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.

 

"Chessburger." -- On a menu in Poland.

 

"Hod dok." -- On a menu in Poland.

 

"Turkey meat, salad, and sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.

 

"Roat poik." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

 

"Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

 

"Ha Ha Fortune Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

 

"Sweat from the trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.

 

"Salad a firm's own make." -- From a menu in Poland.

 

"Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.

 

"Strawberry crap." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.

 

"Buttered saucepans and fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Indonesian Nazi Goreng." -- From a menu in Hong Kong.

 

"Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.

 

"Toes with butter and jam." -- From a menu in Bali.

 

"Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.

 

"Soon Go Fatt" -- The name of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.

 

"Hamanegs." -- From many menus in Slovakia.

 

"Guinea-Pig Breast." -- From a menu in Slovakia.

 

 

Learning English:

 

"Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.

 

 

Quotations:

 

"Equal goes it loose." -- German President, translating "It will soon begin" into English.

 

"I am looking for an realy educated man who can be joke to himself." -- Excerpt from the personal ad of a Russian woman.

 

 

Movie Titles:

 

"This Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought" -- "The Professional" in Hong Kong.

 

"Six Stripped Warriors" -- "The Full Monty" in Hong Kong (the title is a Cantonese colloquialism; in Mandrin, it translates to "Six Naked Pigs").

 

"Mysterious Murder In Snowy Cream" -- "Fargo" in Hong Kong (in Cantonese, "snowy cream" is pronounced "fah go").

 

"Bright Sun, Just Like Me" -- "Good Will Hunting" in Hong Kong.

 

"Bright Sun In Heavy Rain" -- "Dead Poets Society" in Hong Kong.

 

"The Big Liar" -- "Nixon" in Hong Kong.

 

"Don't Ask Me Who I Am" -- "The English Patient" in Hong Kong.

 

"Mr. Cat Poop" -- "As Good As It Gets" in Hong Kong.

 

Advertisement Quotes For Movies Opening In Taiwan:

 

"After Air Force One, Harrison Ford is flying a airplane, again!" -- Six Days, Seven Nights

 

"The style of characters is phat, special effects are cool, this film is phat and cool." -- Small Soldiers

 

"The perfect style with a great taste to save the world." -- The Avengers

 

 

English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:

 

"I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh

 

"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"

 

"Just scold Chang as 'Shame-less a*****e' for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

 

"You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

 

"Master, where are those people of Ming Sect? They seem to be disappeared." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

 

";He started it first!" -- Fong Sai-Yuk II

 

"I've to cut partial of my freedom." -- Once Upon a Time In China and America

 

"He is jealousing!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words

 

"It is destinated to be you!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words

 

"The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther

 

"I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By

 

"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon

 

"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." -- Pedicab Driver

 

"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot

 

"You are too useless. And now I must beat you."

 

"Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous

 

"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft

 

"You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver

 

"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse

 

"Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul

 

"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God

 

"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run

 

"You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks

 

"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2

 

"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100

 

"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver

 

"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."

 

"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."

 

"Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some @$$ of the giant lizard person."

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Forest Service Feedback

 

These quotations are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by hikers completing wilderness camping trips.

 

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

 

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

 

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

 

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

 

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

 

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

 

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

 

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

 

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

 

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

 

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

 

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

 

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

 

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

 

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

 

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

 

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

 

 

Tourism Follies

 

The world is a big place. We can't know everything about everywhere, but sometimes it's funny when tourists visit places and meet people completely ignorant of where they came from. Funnier still is when the tourists don't have any clue about the places they are visiting.

 

Local Yokels:

 

"So, you live in Plymouth. What city is that in?"

 

"England? Can you get there by train?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

 

"England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

 

"England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

 

"Do they have beer there?" -- Asked of an English tourist in a bar in the United States.

 

"So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.

 

"You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.

 

"After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.

 

"You're from America? Do you know my cousin Patrick in Chicago?" -- Asked of a tourist from Connecticut in Ireland.

 

"New Zealand is a state in Australia, right?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

 

"How do you get around, since you don't have any cars?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

 

"You don't have electricity there, do you?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

 

 

Tourists Without a Clue:

 

"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" -- Asked of a travel agent about travel arrangements to Hawaii.

 

"Does your flag come in any other colors?" -- Asked by a tourist in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.

 

"Excuse me, is this the Eiffel Tower?" - Asked by one tourist of another while waiting in line for the CN Tower in Toronto.

 

"Were these steps always here, or did they build them?" -- Asked of a guide at Mitchelstown Caves, Cork, Ireland. The guide jokingly replied, "No, but the electricity was!" and the tourist said, "Oh, really, wow!"

 

"Can you smell the smoke from the bush fire?" -- Asked of a resident of Perth, Australia, about a fire in Sydney.

 

"How long does it take the penguins to migrate to Kelly Tarlton's?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; Kelly Tarlton's is an aquarium which features penguins.

 

"Which parks have swings for six-year-old babies?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre.

 

"Can I get a ferry to Australia?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre.

 

"Can you tell me where the Sky Tower is?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; the Sky Tower in Auckland is the tallest building in the southern hemisphere and difficult to miss.

 

"How does the snow get up Ben Nevis?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland, referring to the United Kingdom's highest mountain.

 

"What time do the penguins leave the zoo?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

 

"Is there anyone here who speaks Australian?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

 

"Is Fort William still alive?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

 

"Why did the queen build Windsor Castle so close to Heathrow Airport?" -- Asked by an American tourist in England.

 

"Didn't this lighthouse used to be round?" -- Asked of a guide at a lighthouse in Nova Scotia.

 

"Was it always like that, or did they change it after JFK was President?" -- Asked of a guide at Royal Gorge in Colorado, after saying that from a certain angle, one mountain peak looks like JFK's head.

 

 

Bon Voyage:

 

"Oh, are you going to drive there?" -- Asked repeatedly of a couple moving to Iceland.

 

"How does Canadian sound? I don't think I've ever heard that language before." -- Asked after a friend told him about his vacation in Canada.

 

 

International Business:

 

"You guys are working on the Fourth of July? I can't believe it! Don't you celebrate it?" -- Asked of an English employee by an American employee of a international company.

 

 

Geography:

 

"What do you mean New Hampshire's a long distance call?! It's part of Massachusetts!" -- Declared by someone who grew up in Boston.

 

"Vermont is a state?" -- Asked of a contractor that provided long-distance information for AT&T.

 

"What state is Minnesota in?" -- Overheard in a store.

 

"Sorry, we don't sell tickets outside of the U.S. . . . I don't care how new Mexico is, we don't sell tickets outside the U.S." -- A ticket salesperson for the 1996 Olympics, on the phone with someone from New Mexico.

 

"What countries belong to the Netherlands? France...Belgium?"

 

"I'm from West Virginia."

"So, what's life like in western Virginia?"

"No, I said West Virginia."

"You know, you're the third person I've talked to from western Virginia, and I will never understand why you don't just say you're from Virginia. It's not that bad of a place!"

-- A conversation between a West Virginian and a Californian.

 

"I didn't know you could drive to Europe." -- An eavesdropper, piping in when he overheard a conversation about someone who had driven to Montreal.

 

 

Geography Anecdotes:

 

Caller: "Hello. I'm calling about [a product]. I need to talk to one of your technical people so I can assess the product's suitability for a proposal I'm writing."

Operator: "Sure. So I may route your call more effectively, please tell me the region from which you are calling."

Caller: "Auckland, New Zealand."

Operator: "Sir, in which state is that?"

Caller: (chuckles) "Quite a good one actually, but with recent elections you never know!"

Operator: "Sir, I need you to tell me which state Auckland New Zealand is in so I can route your call."

Caller: "Oh. New Zealand is not in any state. It is a country in the South Pacific, near Australia. Auckland is a city in New Zealand."

Operator: "Thank you, sir. I have Australia -- putting you through now."

Caller: "No--" (click)

 

I recently moved from Wisconsin to Texas.

 

Her: "Hi! Where are you from?"

Me: "I'm from Wisconsin."

Her: (pause) "Where are you from?"

Me: "Wisconsin."

Her: "Oh, where's that?"

Me: "You know where Canada is?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Right under that."

Her: "Wisconsin...is that a state?"

Me: "Yeah. It is."

 

Later, I had this conversation with my new social studies teacher:

 

Him: "Well, welcome Samantha. You're from Minnesota, right?"

Me: "No, Wisconsin."

Him: "So you're from...Chicago?"

Me: "No, sir, that is in Illinois."

Him: "Oh, and you're from Michigan!"

Me: "No, sir, Wisconsin."

Him: "Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"

Me: "I don't know, sir."

Him: "So there's a lot of cheese there right?"

Me: "Some, sir."

Him: "And y'all's football team is the Cubs, right?"

Me: "No sir, that's Illinois."

Him: "Vikings?"

Me: "No. That's Minnesota."

Him: "But I thought you're from Minnesota."

Me: "No sir, I'm from Wisconsin."

Him: "Oh...so you don't have a football team there!"

Me: "No sir, the Green Bay Packers are very popular there."

Him: "But that's a Michigan team."

Me: "No sir, Green Bay is in Wisconsin."

Him: "But I thought you were from Illinois."

Me: "No sir, Wisconsin."

Him: "Oh. So you just have hockey there, huh?"

Me: "Not any professional teams, sir."

Him: "Well, I thought the Stars were from up there."

Me: "From Minnesota sir, but now they play for Dallas."

Him: "Do they really? I didn't know that."

Me: "Yes, sir, they do."

Him: "Well, anyway. Welcome, Samantha from Michigan."

Me: "Wisconsin."

 

 

Tourism Anecdotes:

 

I was sitting on the city bus the other day (in July), and there were two British women sitting at the back talking. After noticing that they were unfamiliar with the city, the woman sitting across from them struck up a conversation.

 

Her: "Where are you folks from?"

Them: "England."

Her: "What's it like there?"

Them: "Cold."

Her: "Oh, is it winter there now?"

 

It didn't end there. The conversation continued. Among the other questions this woman asked was:

 

Her: "Is everyone there left-handed since you drive on the left side of the road?"

 

I just barely maintained decorum long enough to get off the bus.

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Questions Asked of Park Rangers

 

These questions were actually asked of various park rangers across the continent.

 

 

Everglades National Park:

 

"Are the alligators real?"

 

"Are the baby alligators for sale?"

 

"Where are the rides?"

 

"What time does the two o'clock bus leave?"

 

 

Grand Canyon National Park:

 

"Was this man-made?"

 

"Do you light it up at night?"

 

"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"

 

"Is the mule train air conditioned?"

 

"So where are the faces of the presidents?"

 

"So is that Canada over there?"

 

 

Denali National Park:

 

"What time to you feed the bears?"

 

"What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?"

 

"Can you show me where the Yeti lives?"

 

"How often do you mow the tundra?"

 

 

Mesa Verde National Park:

 

"Did people build this, or did Indians?"

 

"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

 

"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

 

"Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?"

 

 

Yellowstone National Park:

 

"Does Old Faithful erupt at night?"

 

"Do you put the animals away at night?"

 

"How do you turn it on?"

 

"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"

 

 

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

 

"How much of the cave is underground?"

 

"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"

 

"Does it ever rain in here?"

 

"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"

 

 

Yosemite National Park:

 

"Where are the cages for the animals?"

 

"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"

 

"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"

 

"Can I get a picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?"

 

 

Banff National Park:

 

"Is that food coloring in the lakes?"

 

"When did you build the glaciers?"

 

"How much for a moose?"

 

"Where are the igloos?"

 

"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"

 

"At what elevation does an elk become a moose?"

 

"Are the bears with collars tame?"

 

"Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?"

 

"Is it ok to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?"

 

"Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?"

 

"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?"

 

"How far is Banff from Canada?"

 

"What's the best way to see Canada in a day?"

 

"When we enter British Columbia, do we have to convert our money to British pounds?"

 

"Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?"

 

"Are there phones in Banff?"

 

"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

 

"We're on the decibel system, you know."

 

"Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?"

 

"Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?"

 

"Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?"

 

"Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?"

 

"If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?"

 

"Do they search you at the British Columbia border?"

 

"Are there birds in Canada?"

 

"I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?"

 

"How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" / "'Elk.'" / "Oh."

 

"Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost?"

 

 

Glacier National Park:

 

"When do the deer become elk?"

 

"When do the glaciers go by?"

 

 

Isle Royale National Park:

 

"I just saw the ugliest horse I've ever seen." -- After seeing a moose.

 

Sutter's Fort State Historic Park, Sacramento

 

"Where are the tracks the wagon trains ran on?"

 

"Where do you cook?" / "We cook over the fire here." / "Don't your pans melt?"

 

 

Er det virkelig ingen andre som har noe artig på lager? Er det ingen andre enn Smeagoldfish eller PandaMartin som synes dette er morsomt?

[Moskus]

Thermodynamics of Hell

 

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increases exponentially. Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I go bowling with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

 

The student got the only "A".

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Questions Asked of Librarians

 

The following have all been asked of library reference desk workers in the USA and Canada.

 

"I'm looking for a book."

 

"Do you have books here?"

 

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

 

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

 

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." -- The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."

 

"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.

 

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

 

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

 

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

 

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.

 

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

 

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

 

"Is the basement upstairs?"

 

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

 

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

 

"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

 

 

Library Anecdote:

 

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."

Librarian: "We have a table-top model over here."

Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"

Librarian: (pause) "Yes, but it's in use right now."

[Moskus]

Gammel, men god...

 

MS vs GM

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason at all. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none ofthe controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Questions Asked of Cruise Ship Pursers

 

These questions were actually asked of various cruise ship pursers.

 

"Do you make your own electricity on board?"

 

"Why can't I get cable stations?"

 

"Are you the Captain?"

 

"Do you actually live on this ship?"

 

"Do these stairs go up or down?"

 

"Does the crew sleep on board?"

 

"Could you call the captain to stop the waves? I am getting seasick."

 

"I just saw the Captain in the dining room. Who is steering the ship?"

 

"Is the water in the toilets salty or fresh?"

 

"What time does the midnight buffet start?"

 

"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

 

"Can you get these chips on land?" -- Referring to casino chips.

 

"Why is it so windy outside?" -- On a cruise liner traveling 30 miles per hour at the time.

 

"I see them!" -- The inevitable response from a member of the crowd whenever a casino dealer on a cruise liner played a favorite joke -- pointing out "penguins" on a "little piece of ice" during a cruise through Bermuda.

 

"So what is the elevation here?" -- On an Alaskan cruise.

 

"Why can't I find a USPC post box in town?" -- In Ocho Rios, Jamaica.

 

"I want to change cabins! I paid good money for this cruise, and all I can see is a rusted crane in the harbor!" -- Asked before leaving port.

 

 

Tenant Complaints

 

This is a collection of quotes from letters sent to a landlord from his tenants.

 

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

 

"In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

 

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

 

"The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

 

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

 

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

 

"Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

 

"The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

 

"Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

 

 

Kids' Ideas About Love

 

Kids, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage. Here's what they said.

 

 

Love and Marriage:

 

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

 

"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

 

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

 

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

 

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

 

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

 

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

 

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

 

"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

 

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

 

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

 

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

 

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

 

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

 

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

 

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

 

"[being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

 

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

 

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

 

 

Kissing:

 

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

 

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

 

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9

 

"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

 

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

 

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

 

"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

 

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

 

"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

 

(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

 

 

Beauty:

 

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8

 

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

 

"It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

 

 

How People In Love Act:

 

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

 

"They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

 

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

 

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9

 

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

 

"See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

 

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9

 

 

What Mom and Dad Have In Common:

 

"Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8

 

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

 

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

 

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

 

 

Deciding Who To Marry:

 

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

 

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

 

 

Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

 

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

 

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

 

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

 

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

 

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

 

 

The Best Age To Get Married:

 

"Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10

 

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6

 

 

Good Advice About Love:

 

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7

 

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8

 

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

 

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

 

"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

 

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

 

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9

 

 

What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

 

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

 

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

 

"The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9

 

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

 

 

Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:

 

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

 

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

 

 

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

 

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

 

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

 

"'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

 

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

 

"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

 

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7

[Moskus]

Er du musiker?

 

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

- Homeless.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

- Three of course:

The first to nick a new one from the local garage.

The second to read the instructions on how to fit it.

And the third to urinate in your fridge.

 

 

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbuld?

- None, they've got machines to do that now.

 

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- One, so long as the guitarist shows him how to do it first.

 

What can you never say about a banjo player?

- "That's his porche over there..."

 

What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?

- You have to take your shoes of to jump on a trampoline

 

"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp."

- "Welcome to hell, here's your accordian."

 

How can you tell when the drum solo is REALLY bad?

- When even the bass player notices.

 

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?

- You put some sheet music in front of him.

 

How does a lead singer put a lightbulb in?

- He stands beneath it while the world revolves around him.

 

How does a bass player put a lightbulb in?

- He doesn't, he quits the job due to musical differences.

 

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

- You only have to punch the rhythm in once on a drum machine.

 

How can you tell when the lead singer's at your door ?

- He never quite knows when to come in !

 

How do you tell if it is a drummer knocking a your door?

- The knocking speeds up!

 

What do you call those people who hang around with musicians ?

- Drummers

 

What do you call those people who hang around with musicians ?

- Synth players

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

Penalties for Bass Infractions

 

NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________

 

INFRACTION DATE___________________________

 

 

MUSICAL OFFENSES

Playing loudly during warm up ------------------------- $10

Sound-checking amp with funk slapping ----------------- $25

Loud cursing after mistake ---------------------------- $10

Playing high and fast after mistake ------------------- $20

Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes-------------- $20

Asking for "E" tuning note ---------------------------- $25

Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb ---------------- $50

Playing written-out walking line ---------------------- $50

Failure to play written walking line ------------------ $75

Writing note names over ledger-line notes-------------- $50

Writing beat numbers under dotted figures-------------- $50

Playing eighth notes----------------------------------- $5 each

Playing sixteenth notes ------------------------------- $10 each

Playing above 1st octave ------------------------------ immediate dismissal

Dragging fast tempo ----------------------------------- $75

Dragging ballad tempo --------------------------------- $100

Blacking out during ballad ---------------------------- $200

Ignoring drummer's tempo ------------------------------ $100

Following drummer's tempo ----------------------------- $250

Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me -------------- $1000

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Two musicians and a sound engineer were dragging themselves across an endless desert, when suddently they spied a green oasis. As soon as they reached it, the musicians stripped off their clothes and started frolicking in the pond.

 

Suddenly, they noticed the sound engineer standing on the bank, peeing into the water.

 

"What are you DOING!?" they asked.

And he replied: "I'm making it better."

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Translation Guide to a Recording Session

 

Musician to engineer. "Could we have more of the band in the phones?"

Translation: "The singer is too fucking loud in the phones!"

 

Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself."

Translation. "I don't want to hear anyone but myself."

 

Musician to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?"

Translation: "You're too fucking loud in the phones!"

 

Producer to band. "Can everybody hear the drums?"

Translation: "This band is swinging like a broken record!"

 

Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"

Translation: "We're not locking.....!!"

 

Bassist to producer: "Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?"

Translation: "I will punish the band for rushing."

 

Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"

,Translation: "Your artist can't sing in tune."

 

Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes."

Translation. "It's amazing what you can do with two chords."

 

Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit."

Translation: "This song sounds like another song."

 

Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."

Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it."

 

Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take."

Translation: "Please don't make us play this piece of shit again."

 

Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"

Translation:"Do you all intend to keep rushing?"

 

Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"

Translation: "The way these phones sound, we might as well be listening to Radio Free Europe."

 

Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."

Translation: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."

 

Musician to producer: "Were we booked for two sessions today?"

Translation: "Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you."

 

Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through."

Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be hungry."

 

Artist to producer: "I don't like this song, it really sucks."

Translation: "I didn't write this song."

 

Producer to artist: "Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it."

Translation: "Fuck you, I own the publishing on this song. Morons will love it..."

 

Singer to musician: "Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?"

Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record."

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

 

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

 

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

 

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

 

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

 

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Bra jobba, moskus! :!:

 

Mer:

 

Kids' Ideas About Science

 

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

 

"One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

 

"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

 

"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

 

"Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

 

"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

 

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

 

"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

 

"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

 

"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

 

"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

 

"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

 

"Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

 

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

 

"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

 

"There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

 

"Lime is a green-tasting rock."

 

"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

 

"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

 

"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

 

"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

 

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

 

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

 

"To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

 

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

 

"Clouds are high flying fogs."

 

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

 

"Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

 

"Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

 

"Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

 

"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

 

"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

 

"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

 

"In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

 

"Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."

 

"The wind is like the air, only pushier."

 

"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

 

"A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

 

"A monsoon is a French gentleman."

 

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

 

"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

 

"It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

 

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

 

 

Kid Quotes

 

Sometimes kids say things in innocence that are simply hilarious. Here's an assortment of selected quotations from kids.

 

Quick Quotations:

 

"I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

 

"I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

 

"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

 

"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

 

"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

 

"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

 

"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

 

"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

 

"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

 

"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

 

"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

 

"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

 

"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

 

"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

 

"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

 

"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

 

"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

 

"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

 

"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

 

"Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

 

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

 

"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

 

"Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital

 

"How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.

 

"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

 

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

 

"Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

 

"When you were my age, you was just a baby!" -- 5 year old.

 

"Why don't they just do what they did in 1899?" -- On preparing for Y2K in 1999.

 

"Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

 

 

I Feel So Old:

 

"This is the biggest CD I've ever seen!" -- On first seeing a record.

 

"You know those big CDs?" -- High school student describing a record.

 

What We Learned From the Ice Storm of 1998:

 

"Never take your little sister to a shelter." -- 12 year old

 

"Trees aren't as strong as I thought they were." -- 11 year old

 

"Not to kid around saying timber around people." -- 12 year old

 

"Don't live in Maine." -- 13 year old

 

"I learned that if you plug your generator into your TV, VCR, or your computer, it will cause too much friction and it will blow up." -- 10 year old

 

"I didn't miss school at all. What are you talking about?" -- 15 year old

 

 

Kid Stories:

 

The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.

 

Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."

Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."

Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."

Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."

Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"

 

I declined the offer.

 

In a preschool class I used to teach, we had two little girls who played every day that they were characters from classic Disney cartoons. One day I heard one calling the other "Allison." I didn't know a single Disney character named Allison, so I asked the little girl who she was today. She replied, "Allison Wonderland."

 

Conversation overheard at a zoo in Tasmania, where a young kid was looking at a wombat:

 

Kid: "Look Dad, dog!"

Dad: "No, not a dog. Remember, we talked about what this is?"

Kid: (thinks) "Dog!"

Dad: "Noooo. It starts with a 'w'."

Kid: "W......w......w......wdog!"

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

A high school teacher asked when surfing was popular in the USA. A cheerleader in the class said, "The 60s." The teacher asked her to be more specific, and she said, confidently, "The 1960s."

 

I just had an interesting conversation with my sister. She was talking about the "carcass" of a printer.

 

Me: "You mean 'cartridge'? 'Carcass' is a dead body."

Her: "Oh, yeah, cartridge! But a dead body is a 'cork'."

Me: "'Cork'? You mean 'corpse'?"

Her: "Uh, yeah."

 

When I called home one day, my six year old son answered the phone. "Hello," he said, panting a little. I said, "Hi, Nick. Wow, you sound out of breath." He replied, "No, I have more."

 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

When we were trick or treating in my neighborhood, my three year old cousin came along. When we walked down the side of the street, and whenever he saw a stop sign, he made us all stop in front of it, look both ways, then continue on.

 

In my Sunday School class, we discussed what we would give up for Lent. One eight year old girl said she'd give up homework. I replied that the idea was to give up something she liked. She said, "But I like homework!" A seven year old boy, in the same class, said he'd give up fighting with his brother. I asked if he could give it up for so long. He said, "Well, it's only until next week, so that's ok."

 

I told my boys, aged 9 and 6, that I wanted to stop and get some hair coloring. My 6 year old asked what color I was getting and why. I told him that it was just to cover my gray and left it at that. They were like kids in a candy store, searching for the "perfect" color. We agreed on one, bought it, and left. That weekend, at church, a lady said she really liked the color of my hair. My 9 year old beamed and said, "Thanks, I picked it out!"

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Jeg fant flere eksamenssvar

 

Exams and Papers

 

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.

 

 

Science:

 

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

 

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

 

"To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

 

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

 

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

 

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

 

"The largest organ in the human body is the head."

 

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

 

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

 

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

 

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

 

"Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

 

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."

 

"A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

 

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

 

"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

 

"The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."

 

"The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."

 

"Algebracial symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

 

"We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."

 

"The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."

 

"English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

 

"People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

 

"Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."

 

"If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

 

"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."

 

 

Medicine:

 

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

 

"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

 

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

 

"For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

 

"For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

 

"Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

 

"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

 

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

 

"Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

 

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

 

 

Geography:

 

"Rhode." -- An answer given to the question, "What is the only island state?"

 

History:

 

"The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

 

"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

 

"Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

 

"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

 

"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

 

"Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

 

"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."

 

"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

 

"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

 

"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."

 

"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

 

"Bach died from 1750 to the present."

 

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

 

"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

 

"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

 

"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

 

"Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."

 

"Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."

 

"Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."

 

"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

 

"It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

 

"Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

 

"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

 

"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

 

"Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

 

"In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

 

"The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

 

"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

 

"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

 

"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

 

 

The Bible

 

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

 

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

 

"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

 

"Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

 

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

 

"Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

 

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."

 

"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."

 

"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

 

"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

 

"The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

 

"The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

 

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

 

"Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

 

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."

 

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

 

"David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

 

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

 

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

 

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

 

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

 

"Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

 

"In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

 

 

Literature

 

"Romeo and Juliet were a romantic couplet."

 

 

Music

 

"The piano finishes off the piece."

 

"[beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death."

 

"Smetana suffered the same fate as Beethoven and went death."

 

"The computer-generated sounds came in with a screeching nose."

 

"It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured."

 

"Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson." -- A student naming "three female vocal ranges, from low to high."

 

"Claude Debussy weekend the tonality."

 

"The piece continues on with shirt notes."

 

"[i was] uninterested in leaving before I could here more."

 

"The cello and harpsichord were playing in a very fast beast."

 

"Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play..."

 

"I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty."

 

"It was fun to recognize the Rhonda format and predict what forms would be coming up next."

 

"It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning."

 

"[it] ends with all of them playing a short long note."

 

"The movement ends with a final foul note."

 

"The trumpets play tonged notes."

 

"I really like how they would sometimes hold their beat and jump to the other."

 

"[The group played] the Second Suite in F by Gustav Hoist."

 

"The third movement was a lower pitched, the flute as if it represented one person and the orchestra a few others, the harsh tones and the melancholy feeling that felt as the orchestra with its brass section the cymbals and the strings all expressed a very angry and vengeful melody."

 

"When the tempo got fast it got me in an exiting mood."

 

"[Meter is] how many beats may be heard before one is stressed."

 

"The melody was plaid for the most part."

 

"This piece got my attention from begging to end."

 

"The horn blowed the piano."

 

"Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger."

 

"The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet."

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Haha, disse er geniale!

 

Warning Labels

 

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

 

 

Product Warnings:

 

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

 

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

 

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

 

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

 

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

 

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

 

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

 

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

 

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

 

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

 

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

 

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

 

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

 

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

 

"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

 

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

 

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

 

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

 

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

 

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

 

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

 

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

 

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

 

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

 

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

 

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

 

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

 

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

 

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

 

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

 

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

 

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

 

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

 

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

 

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

 

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

 

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

 

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

 

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

 

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

 

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

 

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

 

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

 

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

 

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

 

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

 

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

 

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

 

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

 

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

 

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

 

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

 

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

 

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

 

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

 

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

 

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

 

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

 

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

 

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

 

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

 

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

 

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

 

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

 

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

 

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

 

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

 

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

 

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

 

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

 

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

 

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

 

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

 

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

 

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

 

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

 

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

 

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

 

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

 

 

Assurances:

 

"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

 

 

Small Print From Commercials:

 

"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

 

"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

 

"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

 

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

 

 

Signs and Notices:

 

"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

 

"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

 

"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

 

"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

 

"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

 

"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.

 

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

 

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

 

"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

 

"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.

 

 

Safety Procedures:

 

"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

 

"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

 

 

Ingredients:

 

"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

 

"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.

 

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.

Materials:

Covering: 100% Unknown.

Stuffing: 100% Unknown."

-- On a pillow.

 

 

Instructions:

 

"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

 

"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

 

"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

 

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

 

"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

 

"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

 

"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

 

"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.

 

"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

 

"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.

 

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

 

 

Requirements:

 

"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Her er mer *knegg*

 

Free Disks

 

With America Online and other companies sending diskettes and cdroms in the mail like they were grocery store sale flyers, computer illiterates are given more opportunities to be perplexed and befuddled. And scared.

 

Customer: "Oh, my gosh, I just received this disk in the mail; I never ordered a disk! Am I a member? Am I being charged for this?"

 

Customer: "I just got your software in the mail, and what I wanted to know was...will I be charged if I just look at the software? I mean, I don't even have a modem yet."

 

Customer: "Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a computer. I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me."

Tech Support: "...Ah...is that the only reason you're calling, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people, sending me this disk. I really appreciate it!"

 

Customer: "I received one of your disks in the mail today, and I want to know if I'm going to be charged for it."

Tech Support: "No, ma'am, it was a free mail-out."

Customer: "We don't even have a computer! You know, it's really not a good idea to be sending people these things in the mail when they didn't ask for them. That's pretty rude."

 

Customer: "Yes, I just want to know how to return this disk to you people."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, the software is free. You can throw it out, give it to a friend, whatever you want."

Customer: "But my nephew received this in the mail, and I don't want him to be billed for it. Can I get credited for this?"

Tech Support: "We don't bill you until you actually install the software and register as a user."

Customer: "Can you get me credited for this?"

Tech Support: "Ma'am, we have not billed you for anything."

Customer: "Well, if you can't credit me then please transfer me to someone who can!"

 

Customer: "I got one o' these here disks of yours. Is this one a those new home security systems, that all I have to do is put it here in my winda, and it'll scare away burgulars?"

Tech Support: "No, sir, this is for a computer. Do you own a computer?"

Customer: "Well, hell, what do I need with a computer? I just got me one o' them 45-inch big screen TV's. I don't need no computer!"

 

Customer: "You sent me this diskette. Are you gonna send me a computer so I can run this?"

Tech Support: "Excuse me?"

 

Customer: "I just got your software in the mail...when are you sending the computer?"

Tech Support: "You don't have a computer?"

Customer: "Nope. But I have the software -- just send me the computer, and you've got a new member."

 

Customer: "I got a disk in the mail, and I don't have a computer. What do I do with it?"

Tech Support: "Well, you could give it to a friend."

Customer: "And how do I do that?!"

Tech Support: "Just give it to a friend who might want to try our service."

Customer: "Can I speak to a supervisor?"

Tech Support: "Why??"

Customer: "Because I wanna speak to a supervisor."

She was transferred, and I listened in a while. The customer said that she didn't like my answer to her question. For some reason known to her and her alone, suggesting that you give a disk to a friend is unprofessional.

 

I work at a big box computer store, and one of our weekly ads showed that we had free America Online 5.0 disks at our store. Unfortunately, due to a shipping error, we only received one box, which went really fast. I had one middle aged customer come up to me:

Customer: "Hello, where can I find the free AOL 5.0 disks?"

Me: "I am sorry sir, due to a shipping error, we have not yet received them, but they should be in by Wednesday."

Customer: "So you mean I drove all the way down here from Englewood (about six blocks away), and you don't have any of the disks? That's false advertising!"

Me: "I am sorry sir, but it is due to circumstances beyond our control. If you need one that badly, I can tell you where to get one down the street."

Customer: "I ain't drivin' no more today."

Me: "Ok, then. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Customer: "Can I get a raincheck?"

Me: "Sir, I don't think I can give you a raincheck on a FREE item."

Customer: "Well I ain't shopping here no more."

He walked in front of the entrance doors, which are clearly labeled "ENTRANCE ONLY," stood there for almost a minute waiting for the door to open, finally realized he was at the wrong doors, and huffed towards the real exit.

 

One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she received our disk and said that she's afraid of it.

Tech Support: "Well ma'am, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's for your computer."

Customer: "Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say 'install and run'. I'm too old to run."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, could you please hold?"

I need a brief pause to scream with laughter.

Tech Support: "Ma'am, I can assure you that you are ok."

Customer: "Ok. Should I call the police?"

Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away."

Customer: "Well, there is a silver thing that slides across, and it clicks. What is that?"

Tech Support: "It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, ok?"

Customer: "But is this a bomb?"

Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away."

Customer: "Now?"

Tech Support: "Yes, if you like."

Customer: "Son, you saved my life! Thank you, and have a nice day."

 

A call came from a little girl:

Timid Voice: "I just got your diskette today."

Tech Support: "How can I help you, honey?"

Timid Voice: "It won't fit my computer."

Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Timid Voice: "A Talking Whiz Kid."

[Jarek]

Fy s*tan da.. *Too much text - shutting down*

 

-Jar

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Fy s*tan da.. *Too much text - shutting down*

 

-Jar

Hehe! Les to innlegg per dag, så kommer du deg gjennom det. Jeg anbefaler "Exams and Papers" og "Warning Labels"

[Πεισιθάνατος]

Calls From Hell

 

They're bound to terrorize all tech support personnel sooner or later -- the call from hell. These are calls from people without a clue in their heads. They call tech support lines and refuse to get off until the tech support staff members on the other end have lost all remnants of their sanity. The callers invariably exhibit both incompetence and belligerence, either of which is fully capable of driving even the strongest to the height of frustration or the brink of frenzied hysteria. The content of these calls is a conglomeration of computer stupidities of every variety, glued together with so thick a haze of idiocy, it will cause instant and complete gray hair to anyone remotely associated. Be forewarned.

 

 

 

Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"

Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"

Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."

Tech Support: "Anything else?"

Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."

Tech Support: "Disks?"

Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"

 

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

 

Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."

Customer: "What's a drive?"

Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."

Customer: "Which machine?"

Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"

Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."

Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."

Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."

Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."

Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"

Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."

Customer: "Ok. Done."

Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."

Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"

Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."

Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"

Customer: "Oh. Ok."

Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"

Customer: "The mouse?"

 

 

 

Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:

 

Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."

Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"

Customer: "Orange."

Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."

Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"

Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"

Customer: "Purple."

Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."

Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"

 

 

 

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

 

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."

Customer: "Click 'OK'?"

Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."

Customer: "Click 'OK'?"

Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."

Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"

Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

 

Pause.

 

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"

Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"

Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."

Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."

Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."

Customer: "Oh."

Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."

Customer: "Why?"

Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."

Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"

Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."

Customer: "Ok."

 

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

 

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

 

Pause.

 

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

 

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"

Customer: "I can't get it to do."

Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"

Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."

Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."

Customer: "Okey dokey."

Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."

Customer: "I don't see that one."

Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"

Customer: "Wood."

Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"

Customer: "A bunch of names."

Tech Support: "Like what?"

Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."

Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"

Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."

Tech Support: "Great, thank you."

April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"

Tech Support: "Mike."

April: "Mike. Cool, dude."

Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"

April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."

Tech Support: "No problem."

April: "How old are you?"

Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"

April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."

Tech Support: "What do you see?"

April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."

Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"

April: "Ninety-something I guess."

Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."

April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."

Tech Support: "What does your screen say?

April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."

Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."

April: "What is this?"

Tech Support: "What did it do?"

April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."

Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"

April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"

 

 

 

My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.

 

Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'."

Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software."

Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front."

Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?"

Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course."

Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?"

Customer: "Whut's a browser?"

Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"

Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it."

Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across it?"

Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."

Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the Internet?"

Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."

 

 

 

One thing that really got to me before I was removed from phone support for sanity reasons, was customers who wouldn't read instructions, no matter how conspicuous you made them. You could print directions on red paper and paste it on the software itself with 300 point type saying, "IMPORTANT: READ THIS!" and people would still not read it.

 

We packaged our software with a piece of paper with "SOFTWARE INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS" printed on the top, and one day a customer called me to ask how to install the software.

 

Me: "Sir, do you have the original packaging?"

Customer: "Yeah, it's here."

Me: "Can you find a piece of paper that says, 'Software Installation Instructions'?"

Customer: "Yup, here it is."

Me: "So, what did you do so far?"

Customer: "Well I booted from the disk and followed the prompts until it rebooted."

Me: "Ok, so I'm looking at these instructions too, and it looks like you've gotten through steps 1-5, but there are still four more steps on the installation sheet."

Customer: "Ok, so what do I do next?"

Me: "Sir, do you see the number 6?"

Customer: "Yup."

Me: "What does it say?"

Customer: "It says to reinsert the disk and click on [filename]."

Me: "Ok, so I'd go ahead and do that."

Customer: "Ok, so now what, do I click on 'OK'?"

Me: "Sir, in step 6, does it then say to click on 'OK'!?"

Customer: "Yup."

Me: "Then I'd go ahead and do that."

Customer: "Ok...so, what do I do next?"

Me: "Sir, do you see the number 7!?!?!?"

 

 

 

I worked for a company that provided billing and office management software to physicians' offices. Most of our users had dumb terminals with dial-up or dedicated lines that connected them to a stack of Unix systems at our facility. One day, we received a call transferred from the front-line help desk. The user was saying her enter key wasn't working.

 

My co-worker and I were the support techs for the organization. We took the call and found that when the user hit the enter key, the information wasn't accepted, and the cursor simply moved one column to the right. Now, the terminal hardware in the offices was rather old and prone to bizarre failure behavior. Keyboards and logic controllers would die in very odd ways.

 

We went through our hardware troubleshooting procedures. We confirmed that it was just this one key that was malfunctioning, and that the problem persisted when the keyboard was swapped out with another.

 

We tried checking keyboard mapping settings in the terminal and in the software she was using, but nothing worked. Finally we monitored the serial data stream by hooking another terminal up to the inbound port on the multiplexer and placing it into "dump" mode. As the user hit the troubled enter key, we saw a continuous line of hex 0x20's -- the ASCII space character.

 

At this point we were resolved to having to replace the whole terminal. As we had no spares and were waiting on a shipment, we couldn't do it for at least three days. The user expressed concern at being without a functional terminal for that period. We asked her to use the second enter key until we could fix the problem permanently. The following dialog ensued:

 

Her: "What second enter key?"

Me: "Over on the right hand side of the keyboard, there's a number pad. There should be an enter key over there that you can use."

Her: "Which one?"

Me: "It should say 'Enter' or have a crooked arrow pointing to the left, depending on the keyboard model. It should look identical to the broken enter key."

Her: "There's no key over there that looks the same."

Me: "Well, what does the broken key say on it?"

Her: "It doesn't say anything."

Me: "What does the broken enter key look like, exactly?"

Her: "It's big and long, and it doesn't have anything on it."

Me: "... And it's the one at the bottom of the keyboard?"

Her: "Yes, that's it!"

Me: "And you say that every time you hit it, it just puts a space on the screen?"

Her: "Yeah!"

Me: "That's because you're hitting the space bar."

 

We heard a swift intake of breath, and then the user hung up.

 

Somehow, one day after years of working on the same software, with the same terminal, performing the same procedure, she decided that the space bar was the enter key. We stared at each other for about five minutes after she hung up, utterly disbelieving that we didn't even think about checking to make sure the user was hitting the right key and even more disbelieving that in the nearly 45 minutes she was on the phone, it never occurred to her that the key marked 'enter' might be the one she wanted.

 

 

 

Co-Worker: "I have a customer her who say's he cannot access a specific record and gets kicked out of the program."

Me: "Ask him if he had any network problems lately."

Co-Worker: "I already asked the usual questions, but nothing works."

 

During this conversation I found all the symptoms pointed to a server crash. But my co-worker assured me that they have had no server problems whatsoever. So I asked him to ask the customer to send a copy of the database for further examination. Surely all the tell tale symptoms of a server crash would be there, and I joined my co-worker at his desk for the remainder of the conversation.

 

Co-Worker: "Sir, we believe you had a server crash that resulted in the database getting corrupted. We'll need the working database to correct the problem."

Customer: "We didn't have a server crash. It must be a fault in your program. I want a patch to fix this problem."

Co-Worker: "The program is running fine, but we have a strong indication that you did have a problem with your server, and we'll need your database to repair this problem."

Customer: "Look, we did not have a server problem."

Co-Worker "Sir, we know that you had a server crash. And to avoid further problems we have to repair your database as soon as possible."

Customer: "What is wrong with you people? I told you, WE DID NOT HAVE A SERVER CRASH. I want a patch for the program."

Co-Worker: (reading from the database log file) "On [date] at [time], [customer] -- that is your login name, right? -- booted up. And halfway through the login procedure the the system stopped logging. Now--"

Customer: "I KNOW THAT! That's why I'm complaining. Your software did this."

Co-Worker: "Sir, we have no indication that the program wrote any faulty data to the database. Are you sure you have had no problems with the server? Anything suspicious? Even trivial thoughts?"

Customer: "No, nothing.........ehm......I don't think it is relevant but......someone turned the server switch off by mistake this morning, but he turned it back on really quickly so that can't have been the problem.... Right...?"

 

 

 

A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service more satisfactory.

 

Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."

Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"

Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."

 

So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions.

 

Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"

Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."

Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"

Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."

Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"

Customer: "I ain't got no icons."

Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"

Customer: "Nope."

Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"

Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."

Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"

Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."

Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"

Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."

Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"

Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."

Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"

Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."

Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"

Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."

Tech Support: "Go--"

Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."

Tech Support: "It what?"

Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."

Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"

Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."

Tech Support: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."

Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"

Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."

Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"

Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."

Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"

Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."

Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"

Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."

Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."

Customer: "I follow ya."

Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."

Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"

Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."

Customer: "I do?"

Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"

Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."

Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."

Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."

 

The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop."

Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."

Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."

Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"

Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"

Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."

 

Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him.

 

The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.

 

The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an awful noise.

 

As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf.

 

Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased.

 

Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable.

 

The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down the side.

 

It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined.

 

 

 

I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you have?"

Customer: "Virgin!?"

Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you have?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care. Let's move on."

 

Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.

 

Tech Support: "And how often does this happen?"

Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly."

Tech Support: "Uh huh."

 

I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.

 

The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn't really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.

 

Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you."

Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!" (click)

 

I never really found out what her issue was.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"

Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"

Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."

Customer: "How do I do that?"

 

 

 

A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why he was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using.

 

Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?"

Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones."

Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"

Him: "Yeah, RAM."

Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"

Him: "I have Windows 95."

Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a web site?"

Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."

Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a web site, what program do you use?"

Him: "Office 97."

Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that lets you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"

Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233."

 

I never did find out what browser he uses.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."

Customer: "Where is that?"

Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two -- just right of the Escape key."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?"

Customer: "It's gray."

Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say anything?"

Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white."

Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?"

Customer: "Yes."

 

Aargh.

 

Tech Support: "Read them to me."

Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"

Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases? Do the phrases form sentences?"

Customer: "I suppose."

 

 

 

Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday."

 

Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there.

 

Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's scratched."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on it."

Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?"

Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?"

Customer: "Of course."

Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?"

Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?"

Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch."

Customer: "Well, ok...."

 

He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze.

 

Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!"

Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--"

Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?"

 

There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again.

 

Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the software."

 

 

 

Customer: "My program doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Which program are you using?"

Customer: "The one I use to get my work done."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the program you use?"

Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer."

Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?"

Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the screen."

Tech Support: "Is your computer on?"

Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!"

Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?"

Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that."

Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?"

Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help me!"

 

 

 

This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no.

 

Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing."

Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?"

Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc."

Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?"

Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."

Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?"

Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it."

Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?"

Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."

Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?"

Customer: "Oh yes."

Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Tech Support: "So what is the problem?"

Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing."

Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal."

Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal."

Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?"

Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking."

 

 

 

I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running.

 

Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?"

My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95."

Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?"

My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?"

Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it."

My Mother: "I don't have that."

Me: "It would be on the desktop."

My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about."

Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on."

My Mother: "Nothing."

Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?"

My Mother: "I don't see anything."

Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at all?"

My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things."

Me: "I just want you to describe what you see."

My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity-click."

Me: "I gotta go, Mom."

 

 

 

We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type 'A' colon and press enter."

Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?"

Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple."

Customer: "Ummm...what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is."

Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?"

Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?"

Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'."

Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?"

Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens."

Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now."

Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key."

Customer: "How do I get it?"

Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key."

Customer: "How to you spell that?"

Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon."

Customer: "I can't find the colon."

Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'."

Customer: "How do I get it?"

Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key."

Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it."

Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'."

Customer: "Where's that?"

 

This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb.

 

 

A customer wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet. So I spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the Plugin Pack and rebooting.

 

Customer: "So are we done yet?"

Tech Support: "Not yet."

 

I spent still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him.

 

Customer: "So are we done yet?"

Tech Support: "Not yet."

 

I spent still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting his preferences. Netscape started fine at this point.

 

Customer: "So are we done yet?"

Tech Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now."

Customer: "How do I do that?"

 

I spent still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL.

 

Customer: "It's not working!"

Tech Support: "Where are you trying to go?"

 

He gave me the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty.

 

Tech Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it down correctly?"

Customer: "Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!" (click)

 

 

 

A customer called complaining that his display wasn't working. (It turned out to be that his monitor was out of sync.)

 

Customer: "I installed the video drivers and all I see is a postage stamp in the center of the screen."

Tech Support: "Can you describe what you see?"

Customer: "I just told you, a postage stamp!!"

Tech Support: "Does it look like your desktop?"

Customer: "Nope. Aren't you listening?? It looks like a postage stamp."

Tech Support: "Ok,let's reset the system back to VGA."

Customer: "What's that??"

Tech Support: "The default video settings...please hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete."

Customer: "What is that???"

Tech Support: "The three keys. 'Control' and 'Alt' and 'Delete' pressed at the same time."

Customer: "Oh, ok. Oh no!! My screen went blank!"

Tech Support: "That's ok. When you see OS/2 in the upper left hit 'Alt' and 'F1'."

Customer: "'Alt'? 'F1'? Can you speak English?"

Tech Support: "Sir, these are keys on your keyboard."

Customer: "Oh."

Tech Support: (waits a minute for the system to finish booting) "Do you see the OS/2 logo yet?"

Customer: "Nope."

Tech Support: (waits another minute or two) "Anything yet?"

Customer: "Nope. Can I release the keys?"

 

Twenty minutes later I found out he had a monitor that was only capable of VGA, and then I spent another ten minutes trying to explain why he needed a better monitor to display higher resolutions.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "Double click on 'My Computer', then on the 'Dial-up Networking' folder."

Customer: "Where is it?"

Tech Support: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "Where is 'My Computer'?"

Tech Support: "In the upper left corner of your screen."

Customer: "Oh! Hey! That's pretty good!!"

 

Twenty five minutes later....

 

Tech Support: "Ok, now go to 'Options' and then 'Mail and News Preferences'."

Customer: "Got it."

Tech Support: "Now click on the tab that says 'Servers'."

Customer: "I don't see it."

Tech Support: "What do you see on your screen?"

Customer: "Oh! There it is. I was looking on the keyboard."

Tech Support: "Ok, now read to me what's in the SMTP field."

Customer: "There's nothing there."

Tech Support: "Now we know why you can't get your mail. Type in 'mailhost.worldnet.att.net'."

Customer: "M-A-L-E-H-O-S-T..."

Tech Support: "No sir. It's spelled M-A-I-L-H-O-S-T."

Customer: "Ok...where's the dot?"

 

I wanted to cry.

 

 

 

Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet."

Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?"

Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use Windows 95."

Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?"

Husband: "I can't connect."

Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!"

Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?"

Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password."

Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?"

Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards."

Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?"

Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference."

Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away."

Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on."

Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure."

Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password."

Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from him.) "HELLO?"

Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here."

Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!"

Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?"

Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!"

Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?"

Tech Support: "No, what mail application...such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet Explorer..."

Wife: "Microsoft Netscape."

Tech Support: "Netscape?"

Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape."

Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News Preferences--"

Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!"

Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up now."

Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way."

Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail)

Wife: "I'm not getting mail."

Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?"

 

Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in.

 

Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN."

 

(beep click click)

 

Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use."

Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!"

Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--"

Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much money!"

Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings."

Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things."

Tech Support: "All we did was--"

Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click)

 

 

 

I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it waswas a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "So the mouse won't move?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?"

Customer: "Ummm..." (pause)

Tech Support: "Is it rebooting?"

Customer: "I see a return button. Is that the one you want?"

Tech Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're looking at the keyboard."

Customer: "Oh, umm...there's just one button, and it says 'power'."

Tech Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those things plug into."

Customer: "Umm...ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it."

Tech Support: "Is the system rebooting now?"

Customer: "No, it's still locked up."

Tech Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?"

Customer: "Yes, it's right here next to the one labeled 'Form Feed'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer."

Customer: "Maybe you just need to come here and fix it."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?"

Customer: "Yes, I save all my letters on them."

Tech Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into."

Customer: "OHHH!!!! It's under the desk...hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it on."

Tech Support: "Ok, good."

Customer: "Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?"

Tech Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older software and games."

Customer: "Is that why my system is so slow?"

Tech Support: "Is the yellow light on?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Press that button."

Customer: "WOW!!!"

Tech Support: "What?"

Customer: "My report didn't freeze up this time."

 

That turned out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for it to finish processing her reports.

 

 

 

Customer: "When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it kicks me off."

Tech Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?"

Customer: "I don't remember."

Tech Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what the problem is and I can't help you."

Customer: "So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the questions again?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Can't I just keep you on while I call?"

Tech Support: "Is your modem on another line?"

Customer: "No, same line."

Tech Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the phone now and dialing while we are talking."

Customer: "Can I at least try?"

 

He tried. Twice. Ugh.

 

 

 

Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"

Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"

Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"

Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"

Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"

Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."

Customer: "What is 'shift'??"

 

 

 

Customer: "My modem is not working."

Tech Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?"

Customer: "I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone."

Tech Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?"

Customer: "I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won't work."

Tech Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now."

Customer: "Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it."

Tech Support: "Is anything running into the wall?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that's it?"

Customer: "Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?"

Tech Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial."

Customer: "What's a modem?"

 

 

 

My boss sent an update of our current program via modem to all of our online customers, with instructions to call in and be walked through the upgrade if they needed it. He had to leave the office for a few hours, so he gave me instructions on how to start the upgrade once they had downloaded it.

 

I got a call while he was away. Details you should know: the lady who called me for instructions was not the person who was operating the computer. That person was on the other side of the room, and everything had to be relayed through the lady on the phone. For reasons of brevity, I won't bother typing out every sentence being repeated several times back and forth.

 

Customer: "We got your program, along with a note that we were supposed to call...?"

Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you with that. Type [the command] and press Return."

Customer: "It says that file doesn't exist."

Tech Support: "Huh? Ok...are you in the [directory] directory?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. Let's try this again, just to be sure."

 

I spelled out the command exactly and got her to read it back to me before she hit Return. But she got the same error.

 

Tech Support: "All right, let's make sure the program is installed in the right directory. Could you take a look in the directory tree and let me know what you find in--"

Customer: "Tree? TREE?? There's no trees anywhere near my computer! Whaddaya mean a tree might have caused the problem???"

 

Needless to say, that took a while to straighten out. Anyway, it turned out the upgrade wasn't in the directory at all.

 

Tech Support: "Did you receive the program OK? No error messages or anything popped up during the transmission?"

Customer: "Oh no, everything went fine. I've got it right here in my hand."

 

Sigh. Someone had transferred the download to disk in order to install it on a second computer, handed it to her, and told her to call us. Apparently it never occurred to her to get the program on the computer somehow before calling.

 

 

 

Tech Support: "What do you have connected to the back of your computer?"

Customer: "I have a printer, a modem and the System 7 module."

Tech Support: "Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item?"

Customer: "The System 7 module."

Tech Support: "The System 7 what?"

Customer: "It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5."

Tech Support: "...and it plugs into the back of your computer?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Does this 'module' plug into anything else?"

Customer: "It plugs into the wall outlet."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the power cord."

Customer: "No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to it."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module."

Customer: "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. It's the power supply to the HyperCard."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs into?"

Customer: "Ok."

 

Ten minutes later...

 

Customer: "It hooks into the printer."

 

 

 

This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold times on support numbers.

 

Customer: "I haven't had sound for about a month."

Tech Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?"

Customer: "They are stereo."

Tech Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the monitor?"

Customer: [angrily] "Yes."

Tech Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have a music CD?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Would you go get it?"

Customer: "Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that came with the computer?"

Tech Support: "No, I need a music CD."

Customer: "I think 'The Animals' has music."

Tech Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom -- one you buy at a music store."

Customer: "I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet."

Tech Support: "That's great; that CD will work."

Customer: "I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't ever go to the music stores."

 

We get the CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, let's check the volume."

Customer: "I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a month ago!"

Tech Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real quick."

 

The volume level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted.

 

Customer: "I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing."

Tech Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those speakers."

Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now."

Tech Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just want to make sure we get everything working for you."

Customer: "All right."

Tech Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects to the right and then the right connects to the computer?"

Customer: [obviously without checking] "Yup."

Tech Support: "Ok. And they are turned off right?"

Customer: "...Listen to me you little..."

 

I endure a three minute profanity/threat combo.

 

Customer: "...Of course they are turned on!! Now you--"

Tech Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn them to the off position, please."

 

Country music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place shouting over it.

 

Customer: "Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?"

Tech Support: "The batteries must be dead."

 

 

I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got a call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who sold her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.

 

Customer: "I need help with this computer!"

Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?"

Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says he bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my daughter if she knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!"

Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to do?"

 

I never anticipated her answer.

 

Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game."

Tech Support: "A what!?"

Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles."

Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?"

Customer: "No, tennis!"

Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?"

Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the ball."

Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know Windows?"

Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the kitchen..."

 

She tells me the whole story again.

 

Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you first start slowly and learn DOS and Windows."

 

After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool simmer and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy.

 

 

 

Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"

Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"

Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"

 

 

 

This was my slowest caller ever:

 

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?"

Customer: "Ummm...it doesn't work."

 

Direct and to the point, but just a touch vague. So I prodded him for more information about his problem.

 

Tech Support: "What does not work?"

Customer: "Ummm...the program doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there an error message?"

Customer: "Yes."

 

I waited a moment, thinking that he would continue on his own. But he didn't.

 

Tech Support: "And the message was?"

Customer: "Something about a GPF."

Tech Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?"

Customer: "I guess; let me get out of bed."

Shuffling. Stepping down stairs.

Tech Support: "Are you still there?"

Customer: "Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer."

 

This guy has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It takes about five minutes to boot up his machine.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"

Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."

 

Pause.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"

Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."

 

Pause.

 

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me please?"

Customer: "How do I do that?"

Tech Support: "Just the way you normally do."

Customer: "I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it."

Tech Support: "Double click on the icon for the program please."

Customer: "Where is that?"

 

I slowly drop my head to the desk. Finally, I get him to start our application and wait three minutes for the software to load. I'm now fifteen minutes into this call, and I normally average three and a half.

 

Tech Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?"

Customer: "Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no."

Tech Support: "Why not?"

Customer: "I don't remember where it happened."

Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error message and where it occured. You will need to recreate the message and call us back with that information."

Customer: "But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster if you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You will lose customers unless you speed it up