To The Citizens of The United States of America!

[Bandidos-Pelle]

WARNING: DET SOM STÅR UNDER ER PÅ FREMMEDSPRÅKET "ENGELSK".

 

To The Citizens of The United States of America...........

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over

all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Tennesee, which she does

not fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for those

of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside

your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for

further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be

circulated next year to determine whether any of you notice. To aid in the

transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced

with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be

reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour' - skipping the letter

'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to

spell 'doughnut' without eliminating half the letters. You will note that

the letter 'Z' is to be pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', while the suffix "ize"

will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You must learn that the suffix 'burgh'

is pronounced 'burra' e.g.Edinburgh.

You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with

correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using a very basic lexis

interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "lexis" and

"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.

If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have

chat shows. When you develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad

language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of

the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"

will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about

regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in

England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it

Devonshire, all American States will become "shires", e.g. Texasshire,

Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"

will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who

can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

but only after fully carrying out task 1 above. We would not want you to get

confused and give up half way through.

 

6. Those of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may

have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer

be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially,

it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those

of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is

similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest

every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like pussies). We

are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2008. You

should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called

the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside America. Since

most of you are unaware that there is a world beyond your borders, your

error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a

girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,

oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be

allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable

peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle

potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry

the vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own

good. When we show you French or German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will

go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian, though most

of you are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on

calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut

and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer

which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more

aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all

tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be

doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance

will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American

Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the

exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product

will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true

Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the

former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and

the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon

- get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by

adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone

or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Den Polse]

Virkelig noe av det beste jeg har lest i år

[Edvino]

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest

every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like pussies)

HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Også rett det der med baseball og world series, må jo være den nest kjedeligste sporten å se på som finnes (etter golf så klart)...

[Vooon]

The substances formerly known as "American

Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the

exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product

will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true

Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

Hoho! Grom sak...

[Moonshine]

Spre den.

[henrik_s]

virkelig bra!

[Den Røde Tsar]

Virkelig noe av det beste jeg har lest i år

Det er fra i fjor. MEN ROXXORZ!

[MrLee]

utrolig morsom!

[Ed Hunter]

Knall bra!

[miniPax]

Bare måtte

[MrLee]

HAHAHAHA, håper du klikket submit!

[miniPax]

Gjorde nok det ja

 

Er ikke akkurat direkte fan av Bush

www.georgewbush.is-a-geek.net

[Bandidos-Pelle]

Nice, _StatuS_, vi avventer alle svaret.