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Ueland

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Haha. Oh, you guuuuys! :woot::love:

 

Det var legge meg jeg skulle. Uff, nå ble jeg skikkelig sentimental også. Dere har skylda. *banke hodet i veggen* Valentine's Day.. snart.. ;)

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Ok, gutta. Nå som vi har denne klubben, må vi være ÅPNE med hverandre. *dele ut skuldre å gråte på* Hvem vil begynne med sin tåredryppende historie først? Jeg for min del har ganske mange... *synker enda dypere ned i hullet*

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quote:

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Originally posted by nvoetfiv

Women have driven me to the wildest things the past time.. A woman actually. Or a girl. Whatever you'd like to call it. Early this year, i started to get to know her, and her friends, and we had a really good time. There was no battle ground for love or anyting like that, even though we were a kind of a gang with 4 girls, four guys.. (gang is not a gang, but a group of good friends. Or something.) Well, one of the girls had a boyfriend who lived in the netherlands(we're norwegians. Yes.), and thus not beeing around alot. She only saw him during vacations and the like.. Well, the two of us made really, really, super-good friends, or best friends as we call it, and we shared a lot and were very close. BUT, i started to fall in love with her.. I think i even saw it coming, and i knew i should try to supress it.. Well, things evolved a little bit, and i found out that i was not going to supress it. Maybe it's just a normal crush, but from my side, it meant SO much more to me. I've never ever even imagined feelings like those which were inside of me.. We spent whole nights just talking.. Well, at a certain point, during the long summer vacation(we(the gang) were togheter almost every single day), i told her about my feelings towards her.. In the start, she said that it wasn't possible, for me to fall in love with her, and so on(She has a slightly low self esteem, but she may just be humble.. you know..).. Before that, we often hugged eachother a long time when one of us had to part, and at night when we were apart we always sent sms'es just telling eachother what a great friend the other was.. Oh.. Everytime we hugged i felt that i would hold on forever, and never let go..

 

A short while after i told her about my feelings she was making more and more distance between us, by not talking so much to me, not give me attention.. It really made me feel so extremely bad.. She said she tried to make me not love her, by acting that way..

 

We both had a need for attention from eachother i think.. Problem is, i was to afraid to go one step to far when it came to hugging her, i practically never took the iniative, so she had to take it every time.. Wich was MANY.. Maybe she got tired of me not giving her attention? Well anyways.. back to it..:

 

She made more and more of an emotional distance between us.. She started saying out in the open what a weak person i was mentally.. She used every oppurtunity to hack on me, make fun of me and so on, while the other ones in the group barely noticed(I think so... Maybe they just hid it)... A number of time i tried to speak sincerely to her.. At night when the others wasn't there and so on.. Well, my problem was pretty irritating.. I never knew what to say! I couldn't project my feelings in to words at all when i met her face to face.. So every time it ended with she being mad because I said so little.. This just evolved into hell for me... This went on dor a month or so, and nothing ever changed when it came to feelings for me..

 

Well, after a while, when i had given up trying to talk to her face to face, knowing that every time i had tried before, i had only made things worse, She gave me an ultimatum.. It had been a while since we had met, we avoided eachother a lot.. She wrote that i had to find out what to do for myself, said that if i wanted to make things better, i had to find out something to say, and have a -real- conversation..

 

This may seem obvious to some people here.. Just talk to her.. It is not that easy!!!

 

Those months I felt SO terrible.. I was seriously fucked up inside..

She is everything for me, nothing else matter at all.

 

Hm.. I didn't think i was going to tell you this.. I tried to commit suicide at a time during those months.. I'm not going to go to deep into that matter, because i know i couldn't, by no means, EVER describe what I felt like at that point.. I think you must have been through it yourself to understand..

 

Well.. After her ultimatum, it's been almost three months..! And i havent even managed to find out what to say!! Countless sleepless nights, and probably an ocean of tears between now and then, but i still can't figure out what to do, what to say, what anything! The only thing i want, want more than anything else in my life, is to find the words to say, the things to do, the ANYTHING to make her like me again..!!! You really, really cant imagine what i've felt like the past months..... Its not describable at all..

 

I have had contact with her best friend, who also was one in this group of ours.. She has always shared everything with her.. Still does.. Well, I have talked alot with her, and cried innumerable times on her shoulder.. She says it's not my fault, and that i don't deserve it.. What's that? I've been so amazingly stupid all the time.. I know this is all my fault anyways.. When i tell her that i know it's my fault, she says that's not true.. I ask why, and she has no answer.. It really tears me up when she says i dont deserve it.. I DO! I feel so fucked up.. I haven't really slept for as long as i can remeber.. I cry so goddamn much.. Aren't guys supposed to be macho and all? Not show their feelings? I've cried more the last months than i ever did i think.. I dont know what to do! I dont know what to say! I love her so much..! In the beginning, her friend said i was going to get over it soon.. But all the time, i KNEW that wasnt going to happen.. I was too right.. Things just gets worse, feels worse every god damn SECOND!! Ahhh..My love for her hurts more than anything ever..!!

 

If this continues for much more time i'm going to end this, someway or another.. I can not in any way bear this pain much longer.. I just wish there existed words or actions which coul make things better.. To change things..

 

Sorry for the lenght..

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Jeg orker ikke skrive dette om til Norsk nå.. (Nei, ikke fordi jeg er lat, andre grunner :/.)

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Den var bare tåredryppende da, den eneste grunnen til at jeg ikke hylgriner nå er at jeg ikke har for vane til det. Huff, må si den jenta har såret deg mye..Både bevisst og ubevisst. Dette beviser jo at det er ikke bare gutter som er heartbreakers :grine:

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nvoetfiv, det var en utrolig trist historie... føler med deg mann!

 

Kjenner meg igjen i mange segmenter av det ... spesiellt det der at hun tar avstand, muligens fordi hun merker at du gjør det motsatte... osv osv. Fy flate! Selvmord kan være appellerende, men det er ingen løsning..

Selvmord er bare å ende noe som kan bli ganske så fint etterhvert. Man må tenke LANGSIKTIG. :mrgreen:

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