enda en vitsetråd, mest for de som sjelden ler

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

Bill Wong & Tina Wong, Chinese-Australian, have just give birth a baby.

But they confused because their child have black skin, curly hair.

When the nurse asking the name of the baby, Tina Wong answer stutterly: "Er...er...his name is Sam Ting Wong."

[Schreiber]

Johnny always loved fishing, and he was very happy when he got into the fishing academy to learn about all things fish. Even how to catch them. But after a long, hard year, finals were coming up, and he knew he had to study hard to pass. He knew all about the different types of fish, but he struggled with all the types of bait used to catch them. Rookie level was fine. Veteran level was fine. But master level? That was the problem. So to solve this issue, he talked to some friends, fellow students and teachers, and they organized five master-level baiting classes in a row in one day.

 

"Hi, Johnny, you're finally home. How was school?"

"It was fine, but I'm really tired after the extende master bating session we had."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.[/i]

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home..... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Here I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. 

 

The directions said that:

 

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

 a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhereto be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: 

 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

 

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. 

 

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. 

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. 

* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. 

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. 

* I had no control over the drooling. 

* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. 

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. 

 

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

 

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. 

 

So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

 

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" 

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." 

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." 

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." 

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

 

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

BOOTS!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

 

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

 

Her trial starts next month.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

Twenty Questions

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It

 

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It

 

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

 

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

 

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese

 

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

 

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko

 

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk

 

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite

 

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck

 

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef

 

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him

 

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

 

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog

 

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka

 

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag

 

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as 'stable'.

[Dunkin]

En ganske lang vits:

Rallyracer Petter Solberg kjører i over 400 km/h i en Suzuki Escudo Pikes Peak Version.
Det er direktesending av han i bilen på TV, og han er fast bestemt på å imponere seerene.

Han er overbevist om at han klarer neste sving uten å bremse, og rapporterer med "Ai æm
a grejt draiver, ai dånt niid a brejk". Den engelske reporteren hører dette, og oppfatter
det som at han ikke trenger en pause (Petter mente at bremsene ikke fungerer).

"The rat is loose!", skriker Petter, i det han prøver å svinge kraftig for å unngå å rulle
ned den 4000 meter bratte bakken ved siden av svingen. Reporteren oppfatter det som at det
er en rotte inne i bilen, som fortstyrrer han med han kjører (Petter mente at rattet var løst).

Bilen med Petter ruller fortere og fortere nedover bakken. Når bilen passerer 800 km/h, rapporterer 
reporteren til seerne at det er en rotte inne i bilen til Petter, og at han har mistet kontroll over bilen.

"This is ekte nårrsk ekstremspårt, ai æm dissi nao, dis is a fæst car vitt a veri påverful endjin".
Petter får festet rattet i den voldsomme karusellen, men bremsene er ødelagt. Bilen lander helt perfekt
på veien på bunnen av bakken, noe som sparte Petter for hele 80 sekunder. Han kjører de siste meterne
til mål og kommer på førsteplass. "It looks like Petter Solberg found a very... different road... and he won

today's rally race!", sier reporteren overrasket.

Ved målstreken løper reporteren bort til Petter og spør han om hvordan han klarte å kjøre så presist og raskt,
til tross for ekstra utfordringer. "Itt vas my skeriest dei evver, ai æm still veri dissi nao, we need to reper de
breiks en the dempers, de car is veri fast downhill, Djæpænis kars ar de best, Suzuki is majj new fejvorit karmerke", sier Petter, før han endelig mottar pokal og champagne.

"I have never seen rally driving at this level", mumler reporteren forvirret.

Endret 11. september 2016 av Dunkin

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

An old monk, a little novice and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. 

 

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old monk was walking and the little novice was riding. 

 

The old monk and novice thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

 

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little novice walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk! 

 

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. 

 

So, they both rode the donkey. 

 

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. 

 

The old monk and the little novice figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. 

 

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

 

The moral of the story? 

 

If you try to please everyone, you might as well... 

 

...Kiss your ass goodbye

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" 

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

 

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and muscle mass. If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. 

 

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! 

 

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NOW SCROLL UP 

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Relax, watch a movie.

 

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A woman walks into the Nottingham Benefits office, trailed by 15 kids.

"Wow!," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yes, they are all mine," the flustered mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the benefits worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy!"

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're all named Leroy?"

Their mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier you see. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, "Leroy!" And when it's time for dinner, I just yell "Leroy!" and they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But, what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names!"

[Gjest Slettet+9817324]

Peer Deutchrian

det er umulig å styrte et fly

Liker · Svar · 23 t

 

Hans Christian Lund

Hva babler du om?

Liker · Svar · 7 · 23 t

 

Tommy Olsen

Det er mye bedre å styrte en øl

Liker · Svar · 17 · 23 t