enda en vitsetråd, mest for de som sjelden ler

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

 

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

 

'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller, Jesus.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs, jawing and passin' the time of day.

One turns to the other, and says, "Y'know Betty, y're gonna think me a foolish ol' gal, but I decided to have me some bit of cosmetic surgery done...I'm gonna have a boob job, cuz I'm tired of 'em banging 'gainst mah waist all the time...."

 

Betty replies, 

"Durn it Ethel, I ain't payin' no mind to yer. Matter of fact, I'm thinkin' of doing something radical mah-self. I read about it in one of them noo fancy beewty magazines. I'm gonna have my azzole bleached!"

 

After a moment's silence, Ethel replies,

"'S Funny Betty, but I don't see your husband as a blond".....

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

Its the start of the holiday season in a small town on the south coast of France , but its raining, so there is not too much business happening.

 

Everyone is heavily in debt.

 

Luckily a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the top floor.

 

The owner takes the 100 euro note in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.

 

The butcher takes the money to his wholesaler to pay his debt.

 

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay for some pigs he bought a while ago.

 

The farmer happily gives the 100 euro note to the local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

 

The pro goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients and lays the 100 euros on the counter.

 

At that moment the rich Russian returns from upstairs to reception and informs the owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory to his tastes and takes his 100 euros back and departs.

 

There was no profit or income. But everyone was no longer in debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.

[Emancipate]

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just  married for the fourth time. 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. 

"Interesting," the newsman thought. 

 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. 

 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. 

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. 

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

[Gjest Slettet+9817324]

Kongen har sittet på tronen i 25 år , hva så.....det er ingenting , Elvis satt jo 42 år på "tronen"

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

The Lecture

 

A man is stopped by the Police at midnight and asked where he's going.

 

"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

 

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies "My wife".

[Delvis]

Historie fra real life der jeg dummet meg ut:

Var for en god del år siden, jeg så etter bolig første gang. Ringte angående en annonse. Megleren svarte og sa "det er et gult hus som ligger der(stedet)" og forklarte hvor det var.
Så sa han ikke mer.
Jeg ble forfjamset og visste ikke helt hva jeg skulle følge opp med(ung og dom) og spurte: "Hva er det første jeg skal gjøre nå da?"

Megleren ble litt irritert og sier "Ja det er jo ikke noe i veien for at du kan se på boligen". "Eh..neivel, ok takk. Ha det"

Koko "..hva er det første jeg skal gjøre nå..".

Endret 27. juni 2016 av Delvis

[Gjest Slettet+9817324]

http://www.vg.no/nyheter/innenriks/helse/norske-barn-spiser-mer-sjokolade-enn-fisk/a/23725362/

 

Forer dem fisk med sjokolade , i såfall hvilken liker de best

 

Tror dem heller vil ha lakrisfisker hvis dem fikk bestemme selv , knegg knegg.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and look at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

 

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

 

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

 

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Endret 28. juni 2016 av Bruker-95147

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

[Gjest Slettet+9817324]

Wai So Low

Sum Ting Wong

Ho Lee Shit

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

 

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his

lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

 

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

 

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

 

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

 

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

 

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

 

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia.

It eats shoots and leaves.”

[Opelduude]

For litt siden spurte kona om vi ikke kunne elske slik som de gjør det på film. Så jeg kasta henne over bordet, rev klærne av henne, spytta på hodet av snoppen og dro hodet hennes bakover etter håret imens jeg hamret staken inn i ræva på henne og gav henne en real rompehyler, for deretter å trekke meg ut, velte henne over på rygg og komme over ansiktet hennes. STEIKE så forbanna hun ble.. det viser seg i ettertid at vi ser på forskjellige filmer.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

How to give a cat a pill. 

 

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 

 

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

 

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

 

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 

 

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

 

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 

 

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Accident and Emergency clinic, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 

 

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.

 

The bouncer says, ..."Sorry. I can’ t let you in without a Thai."

[Gjest Bruker-95147]

In the Great Barrier Reef were two prawns named Justin and Christian who were best mates . They used to swim around and do everything together , but were always being hassled by sharks . 

 

One day Justin said to his mate " I'm sick of being constantly hassled and chased by sharks trying to eat me for dinner , God I wish I was a bloody shark "

 

Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said " your wish has been granted " and ' poof ' Justin turned into a large ferocious shark .

 

Horrified of being eaten by his mate Christian darted away and hid

 

Time passed , as it usually does and Justin was finding life as a shark lonely and boring . All his old mates simply swam away when he got anywhere near them .

 

While swimming one day , he wished he could find the cod and ask him to turn him back into a prawn. He looked for weeks and one day he spotted the cod and swam up to him and begged him to turn him back into a prawn again and lo and behold ' poof ' and he was a prawn again

 

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to find his friends . He took them all to the local Reef Bar and bought them all a cocktail . He looked around the bar after a few drinks and noticed that his old mate Christian was not there . " Where's Christian ? " he asked 

 

" He's at home , still upset that his best mate had changed sides and turned into a shark

 

Eager to put things right and end the mutual pain and torture he set off for Christian's abode

 

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back . He banged on the door and cried out " It's me Justin , your old friend , come out and see me again "

 

Christian replied " No way man , you'll eat me , you're a shark , you're the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner . "

 

Justin cried back

 

" No I'm not . That was the old me , I've changed ... I've found Cod , I'm a prawn again Christian "