Tekst: Fantasy-story

[Argoniel]

Hey

 

Jeg har gjennom laaang tid drivi å laget mitt eget lille "univers" og har nå skrevet noe ned på papiret Jeg har ikke skrevet det perfekt, og dette er bare en scene midt i. Gi gjerne tilbakemelding!

 

 

They sat around the fire and stared into the flames. Everything was quiet, not a single sound came from the the wilderness around them. The companions became more and more uneasy as silence fell over them. Argoniel took his staff, said a few word in a foreign language, and started to tell a story, In the old days when Butho still had a king. They saw the entire story in the flames right before their eyes, they could not take their eyes off. "For a long time ago, just where we are sitting right now, there was a huge battle between Butho and our neighbor country Criphor. The evil king of Criphor, Alpherion had incredible knowledge of all the magics in the world, which he used to acquire more land and larger a kingdom. His army was invincible. "How could it be invincible?" Wrain asked. "Butho have always been a country by its own." An owl made a lifesign in the trees above them. "All at one time" smiled Argoniel, "Let me finish the story"

 

"Now, Alpherion had big plans for Butho, since the land was fertile, and it was rich on resources. He wanted to make this country to a camp for him to train his army. Train new warriors and those who would´nt made it, would become slaves in the mines. On this time, Butho had many silver and goldmines. But Aragael, Buthos king, was not evil nor greedy, he gave all these metals to his people, and the people was happy."

 

All of the companions watched the story come to life, now more than ever. Argoniels voice became one with the story, and they felt like they was there, right where the story was being told. They could hear sounds of laughter and joy coming from a big feast in honor of the king.

 

"One day Alpherion decided to invade Butho, Aragael gathered his faithful army. It was not a big army, but they were all skilled masters of the blade and archery. They lined up at Ras Ara, and watched the mighty army of Alpherion. It was at least ten thousand against their small army of a thousand men. They were outmatched ten to one. The whole army was glowing red, as if the sun was about to go over the horizon and lightened up their armor. But the sun was at the brightest of the day. "Magic" Aragael mumbled to himself before he shouted out "Attack!!". The bows sang like birds on a hot summer day, but the arrows bursted into fire before they could hit their target. The attacking army stopped, a big group of men marched out and put arrows on their bows. Their arrows also caught fire, but they did not burn up. Aragaels men fell dead over, arrows sticking out everywhere. He ran towards the army with a battleroar, his army hesitated, but followed after their king. Alpherions army kept firing arrows, felling a lot good men. Aragael drew his sword out, and it glowed like a star. When he reached the first fighters, their armor stopped glowing, and turned back to old rags. His army was made of peasants and magic! Alpherions army stood petrified for a few seconds. Now Aragael was in the midst of their army, harvesting people like he harvested the crops in the autumn. Men from both armies fell now, but Aragael stood strongest. They were still unmatched, but now they were fighting against peasants. The enemy was at the brink of fleeing when a big flame at the size of a boulder hit Aragael. The courage of his men fell, and Alpherion had now the upper hand. Until he saw Aragael rise out of the ashes in full sprint towards him, he could not react until Aragael had pierced him with his sword"

Endret 2. oktober 2012 av Argoniel

[Nachoswolf]

Du skriver utrolig bra må jeg si! Skulle bare ønske jeg visste litt mer hva alt var for noe, så anbefaler deg å skrive en bok, for å dra dette utdraget inn i en lang god historie på linje med Tolkien eller G.R.R.Martin hadde vært utrolig tøfft, så stå på, du har talentet!

[Argoniel]

Takk!

 

Det er bare ett utdrag, av noe jeg har sett for meg skjer i historiens løp Har skrevet en intro, og tegnet ett kart over verdenen også, får se om jeg slenger det ut her og

[EoB]

Hvis du har klart å lage et eget univers, er det virkelig imponerende. Har selv lekt med tanken, men blir avskrekket av hvor mye arbeid det faktisk er.

 

Utdraget blir litt vanskelig å bedømme, siden man ikke har noe forhold til verken stedene eller personene. Jeg synes du bør jobbe mer med språket, både med tanke på flyt, ordvalg og rettskrivning. Jeg anbefaler deg å lese mye litteratur på engelsk, gjerne innenfor sjangeren du ønsker å skrive i. Vurdèr for eksempel et avsnitt du har skrevet opp mot et avsnitt fra en kjent forfatter, og prøv å analyser hva som utgjør forskjellen.

 

Kult om du gidder å slenge ut kart osv. Skal sjekke det ut

[Flin]

Historien er det vanskelig å si mye om, men innholdet virker ok. Når det kommer til selve teksten så synes jeg den er litt vanskelig å lese, flyten er ikke helt som den burde være. Jeg tror du kunne gjort lurt i å lese det høyt for deg selv, da er det lettere å oppdage problemer.

 

Post gjerne mer.

[Argoniel]

Tusen takk for super tilbakemeldinger! Jeg er ikke heelt fornøyd med hvordan alt lyder selv, så kritikken deres var perfekt! Skal jobbe mer med den delen, men først bør jeg kanskje fikse prologen, og kapittel en og utover, kanskje ikke så lurt å hoppe hit og dit i historien?