Kom med din beste vits

[Black Hole]

Alle barna syklet pent, unntatt Brede, han satt balla fast i kjedet!

 

Fortalt av en 5 åring:

Alle barna syklet fint, utenatt Brede, han satte balla fast i sjede!

 

Det gøye er at barnet ikke skjønner hvorfor alle voksne ler skikkelig av vitsen.

[vill panda]

Alle i landsbyen løp på en mine, unntatt Line som gikk som en snile.

 

 

Hele klassen ble bes(kåre)t unntatt Kåre som bare ble oms(kåre)t.

[vill panda]

En massemorder skulle stilles for retten, og som dommer hadde han en person som hadde sett seg lei av de stadig økninger i antall mord i landet samtidig som straffene forble uendret. I tillegg hadde de skyldige et meget stort erstartings krav mot seg, så sa dommeren.

 

Jeg dømmer deg til 21 år i dyrehave, de skal få samme behandling som alle andre primater i parken, slik at de også får nedbetalt gjelda de.

 

Som sagt, så gjort.

Det ble laget en egen dyrehave til han, hvor folk mot betaling kunne beskue han 16 timer i døgnet. Se han er sint! se han kaster stein osv.

På forhånd hadde de foretatt et operativt inngrep på han så han ikke kunne prate, så lydene han laget var slik andre primater laget.

 

De laget også et skilt hvor det sto;Mat ikke apen!

Men folk kastet alt mulig over til han likevel, så dyrehaven sparte mye i matutgifter.

Så mange fikk se han krype rundt for å plukke matbiter som folk hadde kastet fra seg.

 

Etter en tid så hadde han også fått langt hår og så virkelig ut som en slags gorilla, og en dag han røykte noen sigaretter som folk hadde kastet over til han, sa folk; se apen røyker!

Noen synes dette var virkelig ille og tok kontakt med dyrevernet som tok beslutningen at den ikke skulle røyke mere. Det ble satt ut vakter og apen ble fullstendig gal noe som skapte stor ståhei blant tilskuerne.

[jevli]

Kongetråd! Slenger meg på her

[vill panda]

Resultatet av kampen mellom Brann-Aalesund ble 1-2.

Ikke rart at Aalesund vant, det heter jo (mAal)esund.

[vill panda]

Storberget vil dna registrere flere kriminelle, får håpe ingen misforstår slik at disse kriminelle i stedenfor blir registret som medlemmer i DNA- Det Norske Arbeiderparti.

[Macklemore]

Leste den superlange vitsen, det var 18 word sider og 11 tusen ord! Men jeg lo grusomt hardt når jeg hadde lest den

[Gjest Slettet+981287349]

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

- The Joker

[Lemongrass]

Kvinnerettigheter

[Blåbær]

Cheating

 

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

[kwah]

Norsken, svensken og kineseren skulle klatre over en vegg, først var det normannen sin tur, han falt ned og sa "au, jeg brekte armen min". Så var det svensken sin tur, han falt også ned og da sa han "äu, jag brekte min foten". Så var det kineseren sin tur, siden denne veggen var veldig vanskelig å klatre opp så falt selfølgelig han også ned, da sa han"ching chong i broke my ding dong".

[vill panda]

Så var det mannen som oppdaget at pakken med meierismør var tom, så han måtte ut for å få tak i mer. på veien møtte han en gammel dame som spurte om han kunne ta med en pakke smør til henne også. Etter mange besøk i butikker kom han tom hendt hjem..

Men han ville ikke skuffe den gamle damen så han fant på noe lurt.Han tok plantemargarin og en del kokosfett i en hurtig mikster, fikk så blandet sammen dette godt, dette helte han over til den tomme esken med meierismør og oppdaget at det lignet smør. Så tok han sjansen på å gi denne esken til den gamle damen. Dette var hun veldig glad for.

 

Han møtte henne et par dager senere, og hun sa, nå har jeg bakt julekaker og gud så gode de ble. Men si meg har bøndene begynt å gi kuene kokosmasse?

[Ogalaton]

Skriv din beste vits her

 

FRP

[Gjest]

hva er det som er lyse blått, rosa og rister og ryker?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

en baby som blir mata av en strømkontakt

 

 

[Gjest Slettet+9817324]

Ikke vits da men humret bra av denne :

 

•  
• nate 1 hour ago

  T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, a Muslim was killing along with his spouse. As the Muslims fired their bullets to murder their "fair share," we'd be told of "Muslim innocence" by the liars at C.A.I.R. America's innocent children all nestled in their beds, have millions of Muslims who want to sever their heads. When in San Bernardino arose such a clatter, it was Muslims bullets and bombs that caused the holiday to shatter. Then out of the White House Obama did come, blaming Christians, right-wingers and the always "evil gun". He lectures "on with regulations", and "on with an assault weapons ban", but it's his foolish "Open Borders" policy that endangers the land. He and the Democrats say it's honest citizens whom they'll love to disarm, while they flood America with Muslims to do us great harm. And while Obama and the media search to blame anything but terror, it's Americans that are thinking "electing this dirt-bag was a catastrophic error." So, if you're lucky enough to make it through Christmas and into next year, Remember, it's murderous Muslims and treasonous Democrats that you certainly should fear.

[Gjest Slettet-IHZgkuqNJD]

Hva sa den ene tørrfisken til den andre?

"Long time, no sea"!  

[Jostein76]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Jostein76]

Kjell Magne meets Bill

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill
Clinton. After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what
you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne "Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They
all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a
second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her: "Tell me
Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not
your brother and is not your sister?" Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says
Madeleine, "it is me!" "Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne
Bondevik is very impressed.
Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of
the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell
me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your
brother and is not your sister?" Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the
answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know
tomorrow?" "Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but
no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried still no
answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask
Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.
"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says
Gudmund, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Lars and rings Kjell Magne Bondevik. "Kjell Magne", says
Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad". "No you idiot", says
Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

[KoKo_]

There's this guy sitting on a train and he doesn't have a ticket. The conductor comes up and says, "Do you have a ticket?" and the man says he doesn't. So the conductor says, "Well, you can't be on this train without a ticket," and throws the man off of the train. The man is killed, and the conductor is arrested. He goes to court and gets sentenced to death for the murder of the man.

While he's sitting in his jail cell, the executioner comes up and asks, "What do you want your last meal to be?" and the conductor says, "A banana." So the executioner gets the banana, and the conductor peels and eats it. They lead him to the electric chair, he sits down without a word, and they turn it on. Surprisingly, he doesn't die. Now, they know current was flowing through the chair, so, for a lack of anything else to do, they take the conductor back to his cell. He contacts his lawyer, and the lawyer gets him released on the technicality that the execution was indeed performed, and the conductor is now legally dead.

The conductor gets a job on a new train, and there's a kid on this train. The kid doesn't have a ticket when the conductor asks for one, so he throws the kid off of the train. The kid dies, and the conductor goes to court again. He is once again sentenced to death.

While in jail the executioner once again comes up to him, asks him for his last meal. The conductor eats the banana and goes off to the electric chair. But once again he doesn't die. And also he gets out of jail under the same circumstances.

The conductor goes off and gets yet another job and kicks yet another person off of a train and the same scenario happens. He goes to jail, eats a banana and doesn't die from the electric chair. This happens 7 times.

On the eighth time he's sitting in his jail cell, the executioner comes up and asks, "What do you want your last meal to be?" and the conductor says, "A banana." So the executioner gets the banana, and the conductor peels and eats it. They lead him in to the electric chair and turn it on - he doesn't die yet again. So the executioner says, "I just have to know - you've been in here 8 times, and you haven't died. What's your secret?" The conductor replies, "I don't have one." The executioner persists, and asks, "Is it the bananas?" The conductor smiles and replies, "No...I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

[Gjest Slettet-IHZgkuqNJD]

Norsken, svensken og kineseren skulle klatre over en vegg, først var det normannen sin tur, han falt ned og sa "au, jeg brekte armen min". Så var det svensken sin tur, han falt også ned og da sa han "äu, jag brekte min foten". Så var det kineseren sin tur, siden denne veggen var veldig vanskelig å klatre opp så falt selfølgelig han også ned, da sa han"ching chong i broke my ding dong".

For det første heter det brakk, ikke brekte. For det andre er det en nordmann, ikke en norske.