Litteratur: (engelsk) The Demon at the cliffs of Dover (del 1 av 2 eller 3 - vil dere ha lest videre?)

[vikingkylling]

Jeg skriver mest på norsk, men vil heller skrive på engelsk for å nå et større marked. Dette er del 1 av 2 eller 3, så ville dere ha lest videre? Og hva synes dere om språket? Tenker på grammatikk, ordbruk, skrivefeil og så videre.

 

 

The demon at the Cliffs of Dover

 

“What do you think, honey?” Sarah Blackwell asked and looked at the Wanted-poster hanging near the lantern on the tavern wall. It was getting late, but the light from the lantern made it easy to read the words. She and her husband Mark had been traveling around as bounty hunters for several years already, and fate had led them to the small town of Dover. They had heard rumors about the people here being tormented by a demon, and saving an entire town would mean big money for them. At least, that was the theory. Dover was a small town located on top of a cliff looking out over the sea, and most people here were poor fishermen and farmers. But still, if everyone where to pay a bit each…

 

“Looks like a standard job,” Mark said and looked at the poster his wife held in her hands. According to the description, the demon was about twice the size of a human, looked like a bipedal fish and demanded that they sacrificed their harvest every four months. It allowed them enough food to survive, but that was about it. They were poor people to begin with, and the demon didn’t exactly help.

 

“Easy money,” Mark said. “Kill the demon, get paid and on to the next job. I don’t want to stay here longer than necessary.”

 

“I know that,” Sarah laughed. “But do you think they can afford to pay us anything? That’s what worries me. I’m not doing this without payment. The first half up front, the second half when we are done.”

 

“Like we always do, sugar,” Mark said with a smile. “Let’s go find us someone to tell us more.”

 

 

“People of Dover!” Mark called out from the town square a few times, but only a few paid him any attention. He sighed. “I think you need to…”

 

“Way ahead of you,” Sarah said and raised her hands in front of her. She said a few words so low even Mark barely heard even though he was standing right next to her, and he certainly did not understand them. These words were not for this world to hear. Sarah raised her hands higher, and Mark could see her eyes were closed. This part always freaked him out…

 

The air around Sarah started to shimmer in an eerie light, and Mark took a few steps away from her out of old habit. He knew all of this was an illusion, but that didn’t mean it did look real even to him.

 

Sarah seemed to grow… and grow… and grow… Her body kept growing until she was at least five or six times as tall as him, and she finally opened her eyes again. When she spoke, her voice sounded like it came from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was not a human voice at all…

 

“People of Dover!” She said in a normal tone, but it was loud enough for the entire town to hear. She waited about a minute before she repeated the three words, and people started coming out of their houses to see what was going on.

 

“We have come to rid you of your demon,” Sarah said and started shrinking down to her normal size and voice again, now that she had the villager’s attention. “Pay us half the bounty up front, and you will never have to worry about the demon ever again. Trust us.”

 

“How… how do we know you are telling the truth?” A guy asked. The mayor, Mark assumed.

 

“You don’t,” He said. “Guess you just have to trust us.”

 

“What do you have to lose?” Sarah asked. “We come, we kick its butt, we get paid, we leave. That’s our specialty.”

 

“We are just poor fishermen,” the mayor said. “If you run off with our money…”

 

“… you are screwed,” Mark said. “But as cupcake said, if you don’t pay us, we don’t take care of the demon and you are screwed anyway.”

 

“He has a point,” someone in the crowd said. Some agreed with the new speaker, but some disagreed strongly. Mark sighed. Chances were this would turn into a mob soon. It wouldn’t exactly be the first time. Why couldn’t people simply let them do their job?

 

“Half now, half when we are done,” Sarah said.

 

“Guess they have made up their minds,” Mark said and started walking away. Sarah turned to join them, but the mayor called out to them.

 

“You win,” he said. The crowd weren’t particular happy with his decision, but he ignored them. “A third now, the rest when you are done.”

 

“Half,” Mark said without raising his voice. “The demon is your problem. There are plenty of other demons to take care off and people who will pay us.”

 

“A third,” the mayor started, but Sarah interrupted him.

 

“Half,” She said and looked at him.

 

The mayor sighed heavily, and knew he had lost. “Half. But you better…”

 

“Oh, we will,” Sarah said and grinned.

 

 

“The demon is in the cave below the town,” The mayor said after he had paid Mark and Sarah the first half of their money. He wasn’t exactly happy about it, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. If the two of them did get rid of the demon, the money would be worth it. Sure they would be broke for a while, but at least the demon would be gone and they could start to restore the town again. If they ran off, getting re-elected would be the least of his problems. Surviving the angry mob, on the other hand…

 

“Just follow the path past Nancy’s Tavern to the shore and continue towards the lighthouse. You will find the cave quickly enough. Just look for the bones outside and inside. Human bones…”

 

“Skeletons, eh…” Sarah said thoughtfully, but Mark interrupted her.

 

“No minions, dear,” He said with a smile. “You remember last time?”

 

“Not my fault they couldn’t tell the difference between the people who killed them and the people who tried to avenge them,” Sarah said and blushed. “I’ll do better this time.”

 

“No, you will stick to what you know,” Mark said. “Never try a new weapon in combat. You know that as well as me. If you want to raise a few skeletons, do it when we are safe and can take care of them without worrying about even more enemies.”

 

“It’s just a demon,” Sarah said.

 

“A demon that has tormented this town for a long time,” Mark said.

 

“A demon that has tormented stupid fishermen,” Sarah said annoyed, then looked at the mayor. “No offense.”

 

“None taken, ma’am. Any chance you would get to work soon?”

 

“Already gone,” Mark said and headed out the door.

 

 

“How about just one?” Sarah suggested and looked at the remains outside the cave. She could easily count six full skeletons, but there were several other remains scattered around. There could be eight or ten skeletons in total, and that was just here.

 

“Mark sighed and drew his gun. He quickly inspected it and saw the chamber was full. All six bullets were still there, and he had thirty-six more in his pockets. The sword was sharp as always, and he knew Sarah’s sword were at least as sharp. Possibly even shaper, if she used that magic of hers to improve it. Part of him wanted her to enchant his sword to make it sharper and perhaps lighter, but he didn’t trust magic. Not that he would tell his wife that, of course. Then again he could tell she wasn’t happy about guns, even though she never said it out loud.

 

“Just one,” Mark said. “But if anything goes wrong…”

 

“I’ve practiced,” Sarah said and closed her eyes. The ring on her right hand started glowing in a creepy red light after a few seconds, and her mouth moved like she was saying something. It didn’t take long before the bones on the ground started stirring, and some of them started gathering together… it looked like a skeleton was putting itself together, but why then would two of the skulls move? And three of the arms… and four feet…

 

“Sarah, no!” Mark said and stepped on one of the skulls as hard as he could. He felt it crush under his heel, and Sarah opened her eyes again. The remaining bones moved a bit, then came to a stop and stayed still again.

 

“Sorry,” Sarah said and blushed. “But next time…”

 

“There won’t be a next time,” Mark said and sighed.

 

“Oh, it will,” Sarah said. “One day I’ll get it right, and then…”

 

“Let’s just do what we came for,” Mark said.

[Bear^]

Språket er i mine øyne veldig godt. Nå er jeg ikke ekspert på engelsk selv og jobber selv med å lære meg det (driver å skriver en fantasy novelle, får se om jeg legger ut en bit etter vært). Men synes det var god flyt i det. La ikke merke til noen gramatiske feil men som sagt, er ingen ekspert.

 

Du kunne kanskje dramatisert litt, som f.eks fremfor å si "Mark sighed and drew his gun" kunne du heller sagt hvilken skytter som ble dratt frem, f.eks i The Dark Tower drar ikke Roland ut "a gun" men heller "a six shooter" eller noe i den duren, king har lagt vekt på skyte utstyret og jeg synes det blir litt mer interesangt for det er lettere å forestille seg pistolen selv om man ikke har peiling på hvordan den egentlig ser ut så legger man seg et bilde av den likefult.

 

Måten du skriver på gjør meg litt interesert og selv om du "besvarer" enkelte spørsmål indirekte i teksten binder du spørsmålet "hva skjer nå?" inn i teksten på en slik måte at jeg vil fortsette å lese videre. Jeg ville definitivt lest en fortsettelse av dette.

[vikingkylling]

Takker for tips. Måtte begrense en del ting for å få teksten så kort som mulig (det er for eksempel svært lite beskrivelser), men det vil endre seg i en full roman. Problemet med beskrivelser er å vite hva som er for lite og hva som er for mye. Er det for lite blir det forvirrende, fordi man ikke vet hva det dreier seg om. Hva slags pistol er det, for eksempel? Men blir det for mye tar det fokus bort fra resten av handlingen og kan gjøre det kjedelig.

[Bear^]

Ikke sant, en fin balanse der. Forfatteren, ung dog, Christopher Paolini lider mye under betegnelsen "purple prose" hvor han beskriver side opp og side ned med omgivelser. I mine øyne er Tolkien et perfekt eksempel på hvordan det skal gjøres, hans beskrivelse av Minas Tirith foregår over mange mange linjer men det blir merksnodig nok aldri kjedelig fordi det er så mye å beskrive og du får en virkelig følelse av at dette er virkelig en stor "by".

 

Så det er å finne balansen, helt klart. Personelig synes jeg at balansen går når man gir nok beskrivelse til å begynne å skape et bilde men etterlater nok til at leseren kan forestille seg det resterende. F.eks om man har en by synes jeg det er nok å forklare det overfladiske og heller overlate det resterende til leseren. Men igjen, den grensen er aldri god å finne.

 

Håper du legger ut det resterende av historien. Er litt nysgjerrig på hva denne forbaska demoen faktisk er

[vikingkylling]

Bra du likte den. Her er andre halvdel. Prøvde å få mer luft, så det blir enklere å lese.

 

 

Part 2

 

”Does this seem… familiar… to you, dear?” Mark wondered and looked at the cave in front of them. The cave started small and barely gave four people the chance to walk side by side, and he had stand on his toes to reach the ceiling. Even though the ceiling seemed to stay at the same height, the floor started a slow decent after a few minutes and made the cave taller. It also started to widen, giving them plenty of space to move around when they found the demon.

 

“Didn’t think we would see these again so soon,” Sarah said and raised her hand. Mark wasn’t very surprised when they started glowing, and his wife didn’t even seem to notice. She acted like it was perfectly normal to make your hands glow when you needed light, and to her, perhaps it was. He had given up try to understand her powers many years ago, but trusted her enough to know she knew what she was doing. He had guns, she had magic.

 

“Do you think this has any connection to our friend in Dunville?”

 

“Dunno,” Mark said and shrugged. “Maybe. We didn’t see its body, and it could pass a bipedal fish with some imagination.”

 

“Or shape shifting,” Sarah said thoughtfully. Mark had no idea what she was talking about, but then again she was the expert in that field. He was an expert in finding an enemy’s weak spot and killing it. She was an expert in understanding the enemy and making sure it stayed dead.

 

“I don’t like these runes, Mark…”

 

“Do you think they are…”

 

“Maybe,” Sarah finished the sentence for him, and neither spoke more of it. They both knew what they were up against. If they were right, the job could be a lot more difficult than they had expected…

 

“Let’s just… “Mark started, but didn’t bother finish the sentence. Both of them knew what had to be done and continued further down into the cave in silence.

 

 

“Heads up,” Mark said and raised his sword. Sarah nodded, and her hands returned to normal. A flickering light from a torch, fireplace or something similar came from somewhere further down around a bend, and they knew they didn’t need the magical light to see anymore. That also meant someone were nearby… Most likely the demon, but was it just one? The villagers only told them about one, but that didn’t mean it was the same demon every time.

 

Sarah slowly drew her sword literally without a sound. Mark could see her walk along the wall to an opening in the cave further down, but she didn’t make a sound. He both loved her and hated her for that. Although she didn’t know how to turn invisible, it wasn’t far off sometimes. The lack of sound wasn’t natural, and she knew he didn’t trust magic.

 

She raised a hand and gave a signal that he should follow, and he tried to make as little noise as possible. Still, compared to his wife, he felt he was making enough noise to wake the people in the town.

 

“Just three,” Sarah said low, without bothering to look at him. Mark saw them too. The creatures looked like a human, but were twice as tall, were covered in fur, had tattered clothes and the head of a wolf. The hands ended in claws, and he recognized their kind right away. Werewolves.

 

“Didn’t see that coming,” He sighed. “Where did they come from? And are they…”

 

“Think we should tell the townspeople they took care of the demon for us?”

 

“And loose the payment?” Mark grinned. “I say we kill the werewolves and get a bit extra bounty for them. You know, for the extra risk we put ourselves through. The demon was bad enough, but we had to fight these as well…”

 

“That’s why I love you,” Sarah said and laughed. “Can you take care of one to draw the others?”

 

“Way ahead of you, cupcake,” Mark said raised his gun. “Do you think these are the cursed ones or the normal ones?”

 

“Normal ones,” Sarah said. “The cursed ones only turn during a full moon, and you never see two at once. The moon is barely out as it is, and there are three of these. Besides, look at how they act. They look a lot more feral than the cursed ones. These are just animals.”

 

“Well,” Mark said. “We don’t know that. They could be cursed ones that got stuck somehow and never turn back.”

 

“Extra cursed ones,” Sarah said. “Maybe, maybe not… But either way, do you want to talk about that all night, or do you want to go to work?”

 

Mark didn’t answer, but took aim and fired. The bullet hid the middle werewolf in the head, and it dropped dead without ever knowing it was hit in the first place. The two others looked at each other and their dead friend in surprise and shock, then turned around and looked at Mark and Sarah.

 

“Left?” Mark asked?

 

“Fine by me,” Sarah said and raised her sword.

 

 

“You’re fast, I give you that,” Mark said and dodged the werewolf as best he could. It managed to hit him in the side, but he ignored the pain and swung his sword around. The tip of the sword stabbed the werewolf in the side, and it yelled in pain. A dark, red fluid stained the shirt, and it started to withdraw slowly. Mark didn’t let it, but hit it in the head as hard as he could and smiled when he felt the skull crush. The werewolf dropped dead to the ground, and he turned his attention to his wife instead.

 

Sarah raised her sword, but the last werewolf kicked it out of her hands and punched her so she fell to the ground. Mark started walking towards her to help, but sat down on a small rock instead and watched the fight.

 

The werewolf jumped towards Sarah, and she rolled away just in time to avoid being crushed under the weight. She tried to get up to her feet, but the werewolf punched her again, and she fell on her back.

 

“Poor werewolf…” Mark said with a smile and put his sword away. It looked bad for Sarah right now, but if his theory was correct…

 

Sarah jumped up on her feet again, and the look in her eyes made even Mark feel nervous. He could see the werewolf wanted to attack her, and it even took a few steps towards her.

 

“Need help, sweetie?” Mark called out with a grin. Sarah looked quickly at him, then back at the werewolf. She tossed the sword aside and raised her hands.

 

“Don’t… call… me… sweetie!” She cried out angrily, and her hands started glowing again. The air itself seemed to tremble in fear, and Mark felt it start to build up a tension like the eye of a hurricane. The werewolf looked terrified, and Mark almost felt sorry for it. It looked like it was ready to break down and cry like a baby and confess all its sins to whoever listened.

 

Sarah’s eyes glowed with an intense, black light, and her shadow crept up from the ground and covered her entire body. She started to hover a few inches above the ground, and then unleashed all her powers at once. The werewolf seemed to explode and implode at once, and Mark heard the bones snap, get back together and snap all over again. He couldn’t imagine all the pain the werewolf must have felt in that one second it was still alive.

 

“Are you ok, cupcake?” Mark asked and walked to his wife. She laid on the ground and barely breathed. He sat down next to her and held her in his arms, letting her take all the time she needed to recover.

 

“I’m... fine....” Sarah said, but didn’t move. “Just… give me a… minute… Then we’… go get… paid…”

 

“That’s why I love you,” Mark said and kissed her.

[Bear^]

Karaktermessig føler jeg at Sarah blir litt vel mye av det gode, f.eks Polgara og Belgarath i Edding's bøker føles i starten slik men gradevis blir man introdusert til det faktum at de har sine begrensninger de og. Det synes jeg kommer for sent, dvs på slutten hvor Sarah blir sliten av det hun utfører.

 

Synes og det blir litt mangel på sammenheng når du skriver "He had guns, she had magic." for deretter å ha "“Heads up,” Mark said and raised his sword". Om han har har pistoler ser jeg ikke noe poeng i at han skal drasse rundt med et sverd i tilegg og om det er snakk om varulver som trenger å drepes av sølv så har han vel sølvkuler og for de virker profesionelle drapsmaskiner av slike ting.

 

En annen ting jeg vil kommentere litt er følgende setning:

"Even though the ceiling seemed to stay at the same height, the floor started a slow decent after a few minutes and made the cave taller. It also started to widen, giving them plenty of space to move around when they found the demon."

 

Ville kanskje ikke si at at taket i hulen holdte samme høyde, for meg virker det som at det er en lys hule (ettersom de kan tilsynelatende se taket) og dermed litt mindre faretruende. Ville sagt noe slik som "The ceiling disappeared and the darkness engulfed them as they decended further into the cave". Ville heller ikke si "It also started to widen, giving them plenty of space to move around when they found the demon" ettersom det i mine øyne ødelegger litt av spenningen, man vet det er noe i den hulen, vi vet det er en demon (vi tror det i alle fall) utfra det forrige du skrev og man vet at de skal drepe den.

 

" The werewolf seemed to explode and implode at once" må jeg og kommentere, om man eksploderer tror jeg ikke det er mulig å implodere (f.eks når de river store byninger imploderer de, de knuses av sin egen vekt fordi bærestrukturen er ødelagt, World Trade center imploderte). Ville og være forsiktig med å bruke seemed, om det er liten tvil hva som skjer så beskriv det heller fremfor å virke usikker på hva som skjer. Spesielt i øyeblikk hvor hovedpersonen(e) er ved full bevisthet og ser med deres egene øyne hva som skjer.

 

Ellers en interesang lesning med potensialer